[MOL] Fwd: FW: Exercise Program [00484] Medicine On Line

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[MOL] Fwd: FW: Exercise Program

You've probably all seen this, but I think it's funny.

Kathy in Idaho

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> For anyone who has attempted to start an exercise program:
> For my Birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of
> private lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
> great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided  it
> would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.  I called the club and
> made my reservations with a  personal trainer named  Tony, who identified
> himself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic
> clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to
> get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress:
> Monday:
> Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
> worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tony waiting for me. He
> is something of a God with blonde hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white
> smile.  ( WOO HOO!!!)  Tony gave me a tour and showed me the machines.  He
> took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my
> pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to all those
> rippling muscles. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he
> conducted his weight training class after my own workout today. Very
> inspiring.)  Tony was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
> already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is
> going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
> Tuesday:
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tony
> made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air...then he
> put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,  but I
> made the full mile. Tony's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
> GREAT!!!! It's a whole new life for me.
> Wednesday:
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
> counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
> hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
> or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tony was impatient with
> me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. (His voice
> is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when he scolds, he
> gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.) My chest hurt when I got
> on the treadmill, so Tony put me on the stair master. (Why in HELL would
> anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
> elevators?) Tony told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  He
> said some other crap too.
> Thursday:
> Tony was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
> cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  (I couldn't help being a
> half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my fricking shoes.)  Tony
> took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid
> in the Ladies' room. He sent Barbie to find me, then, as punishment, put
> me on the rowing machine ... which I sank.
> Friday:
> I hate that SUCKER Tony more than any human being has ever hated any other
> human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, puffed-up
> peacock.) If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable
> pain, I would beat him with it.  Tony wanted me to work on my triceps.  I
> don't have any triceps!  And if you don't want  dents in the floor, don't
> hand me fricking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
> (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and
> graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi Punk.) The treadmill flung me off
> and I landed on a health and P.E. teacher. Why couldn't it have been
> someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
> Saturday:
> Tony left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
> wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing him made me want to
> smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to
> use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the
> weather channel.
> Sunday:
> I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
> thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
> husband (the schmuck) will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root
> canal or a mammogram.
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