RE: [MOL] Why helping the Bereaved is so difficult.... [00009] Medicine On Line


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RE: [MOL] Why helping the Bereaved is so difficult....



Great Dusti, I'll see you in the clouds, ok?
Your friend,
Bridget


>From: "Barham, Dusti # IHTUL" <Dusti.Barham@tulsa.cistech.com>
>Reply-To: mol-cancer@lists.meds.com
>To: "'mol-cancer@lists.meds.com'" <mol-cancer@lists.meds.com>
>Subject: RE: [MOL] Why helping the Bereaved is so difficult....
>Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2000 16:14:26 -0500
>
>No Bridget, you do not sound out there, just honest.  I am glad that I am
>not the only cosmic thinker out there.
>
>Cheers,
>Dusti
>
>		-----Original Message-----
>		From:	Bridget Rambeau [mailto:bsbridget@hotmail.com]
>		Sent:	Thursday, August 31, 2000 7:01 AM
>		To:	mol-cancer@lists.meds.com
>		Subject:	Re: [MOL] Why helping the Bereaved is so
>difficult....
>
>		I think this is one handbook that should be mandatory
>reading; I was
>		absolutely floored by the truth of it yet also guilty of
>nearly every one of
>		their examples.
>		How often have I said that God never gives us more than we
>can handle while
>		at the same time knowing that was absolute bs. If that were
>the case there'd
>		be no suicides, people wouldn't turn to drugs to escape and
>our mental
>		institutions would be almost empty.
>		I also had a miscarriage when I was 21. But I was young, I
>could have lots
>		more children, or so everybody kept telling me. Over 20 yrs
>later, on the
>		eve of having a tubiligation, I couldn't understand why I
>was so upset. So,
>		as usual, I sat down and wrote a poem. Surprisingly to me,
>the peom turned
>		out to be all about the baby I had lost long ago. I finally
>was able to
>		grieve.
>		I'm at an age where death is becoming a fairly frequent
>event and I think
>		it's time for me to learn how to deal with it and offer
>comfort in a way
>		that may truly help the bereaved (and myself).
>		I have this strange kind of feeling (which is actually kinda
>creepy) that I
>		was meant to read this e-mail. So thanks for posting it
>(although I feel
>		that you were guided to do so). Am I sounding really weird
>here? LOL
>		Your (kinda-out-there) friend,
>		Bridget
>
>
>		>From: "Lillian" <firefly@islc.net>
>		>Reply-To: mol-cancer@lists.meds.com
>		>To: "MOL" <mol-cancer@lists.meds.com>
>		>Subject: [MOL] Why helping the Bereaved is so difficult....
>		>Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 19:49:51 -0700
>		>
>		>Why Helping the Bereaved is So Difficult
>		>As a society, we never teach our children how to respond to
>or comfort
>		>those who are grieving.  There are many reasons this is a
>difficult task.
>		>The Grief Recovery Handbook from the Grief Recovery
>Institute states that
>		>the reason why we have difficulty knowing what to do and
>say is because:
>		>
>		>We Are Afraid of Our Feelings
>		>Reasons Why Helping the Bereaved is Difficult
>		>
>		>In our society, children receive a message very early on on
>how to suppress
>		>our feelings.  Statements like "Don't be a crybaby." or
>"Big girls and boys
>		>don't cry."  send this message. Even as adults, we hear
>comments to tell us
>		>not to be emotional.   Other myths that we have been told
>about expressing
>		>our emotions to the bereaved include:
>		>
>		>     a.. Don't cry, you will only upset the bereaved.
>		>     b.. What do you have to cry about, it wasn't your
>(mother, brother,
>		>father, sister)
>		>When I was working in a geriatric unit many years ago, a
>patient that I was
>		>very fond of died during the night shift.  When I heard
>about it in the
>		>morning report, I had to find some time to myself to cry
>about the loss of
>		>a favorite patient.  An older nurse told me that to cry
>about a patient was
>		>unprofessional.  For many years I believed that but I have
>seen a softening
>		>in medical personnel during a death.  I have seen nurses
>and doctors cry
>		>about a patient's death.
>		>
>		>The Grief Recovery Institute has a web article On Crying to
>help you look
>		>at the expression of your feelings in a more positive
>light.
>		>
>		>Other reasons why helping the bereaved is difficult:
>		>
>		>We Try to Intellectualize Death
>		>Reasons Why We Don't Know What to Say to the Bereaved
>		>
>		>As a society we place a great amount of importance on our
>intellect.
>		>However, it is important to remember we are also emotional
>beings.  It was
>		>a common belief in Victorian England that anyone who showed
>emotion in
>		>public was not intelligent.  When we intellectualize we do
>not allow the
>		>bereaved to express their emotions.  According the The
>Grief Institute,
>		>common statements that reflect intellectualize include:
>		>
>		>     "You still have another child."
>		>     "God never gives us more than he knows we can handle."
>		>     "He/she had a full life."
>		>     "At least he/she is no longer in pain."
>		>These are common statements we may have learned from our
>family.  We may
>		>have even thought they were appropriate but they do not
>allow the bereaved
>		>to express their feelings  and give them the sense of shame
>over their
>		>grief.
>		>
>		>Other reasons why helping the bereaved is difficult:
>		>
>		>We Don't Like Talking About Death
>		>
>		>Reasons Why We Don't Know What to Say to the Bereaved
>		>
>		>Death is such a MORBID subject, why should we talk about
>it.  This was a
>		>common mind-set of my Irish grandmother.  Think of all the
>names we have
>		>given death:   passed on, departed, eternal rest, expired,
>and lost.  The
>		>worst thing we can say to a child is that "Grandpa has gone
>to sleep."  It
>		>leaves many with a sense of dread over sleep.  Funeral.org
>states that if
>		>we talk to our loved ones about our death it often brings
>us closer.
>		>
>		>We Think the Solution to Grief is to Keep Busy
>		>Reasons Why We Don't Know What to Say to the Bereaved
>		>
>		>It is a common misconception that keeping the bereaved busy
>will help them
>		>heal from their grief.  However, keeping busy just allows
>the bereaved to
>		>avoid the issue and postpones the grief reaction.
>		>
>		>   A friend of mine had a miscarriage that upset her
>parents and husband
>		>deeply.   The day after the miscarriage she decided she
>wanted to return to
>		>college to get a second degree.  By keeping busy she never
>thought about
>		>the child she lost.  Years later when her father-in-law
>died she could not
>		>understand why she could not stop crying.   After
>counseling she realized
>		>that she was also grieving the loss of her baby years ago.
>		>
>		>Complicated grief can come from not allowing the bereaved
>to grieve
>		>completely.  When we lose ourselves in work, volunteer
>activities, or in
>		>other family members we neglect to express our grief.
>		>
>		>Other reasons why helping the bereaved is difficult:
>		>
>		>
>		>
>		>       We Want the Bereaved to Keep Their Faith
>		>       Reasons Why We Don't Know What to Say to the
>Bereaved
>		>
>		>       It can be a common reaction for the bereaved to be
>angry at God or
>		>their faith after the death of a loved one.  This is often
>disturbing for
>		>faithful and the clergy.   Anger is a common and basic
>reaction to our
>		>grief.  Our anger should not burden the  bereaved with
>guilt.  This anger
>		>usually passes, if the bereaved are allowed to express
>their feelings
>		>without judgment.  If individuals are not allowed to
>express their anger it
>		>may damage their faith in the future
>		>
>		>
>		>
>		>
>		>
>		>
>		>
>		>
>		>
>		>We invite you to take a look at our Album.
>		>www.angelfire.com/sc/molangels/index.html
>		>
>		>   ( Very informational, good tips, Molers pictures, art
>work and much
>		>more....
>		>
>
>
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