Re: [MOL] Chris [02334] Medicine On Line


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Re: [MOL] Chris



Well, Lillian, I can't say anything about the previous article as I don't 
recall which one it was.  But this one really touched me because I find that 
grieving doesn't necessarily begin with death.  It begins with a loss - any 
loss of something or someone near and dear to you.  It begins with FEAR of 
losing something you may still actually have.

I am so very thankful to have my father with us, yet in so many ways I also 
have lost him.  So I rejoice and grieve at the same time.  I've lost the man 
who was so vibrant, so full of laughter; his replacement is often withdrawn 
and hardly speaks to me.  I've lost the "strongest man in the world" and he 
was replaced by a new one, one who is physically weaker and sometimes nearly 
a stranger to me.  But the new man demonstrates something the previous one 
hid very well - an incredible amount of *inner* strength.  I still have 
feelings of guilt (not able to help and be there *enough*), anger at the 
disease that has stolen the younger man and left this older one, fear that it 
may worsen and be prolonged, terror at the thought that there just may not be 
enough time to say and do all that is still needed doing and saying, anguish 
at the thought that one day I will have to face a sunrise knowing he isn't 
here with me anymore.  

But I will *never* give up *hope*.  Not only hope that my father will outlive 
the cancer by a goodly number of years yet, but even more importantly the 
hope that when the time comes, the Lord will be merciful and take him gently. 
 Hope that someday I will again be with my mother and my father, my 
grandparents, and others that have already set their boats out on the water 
ahead of me and wait to greet me again.  Does this explain anything - or am I 
just rambling on in my own head again? :)
-chris
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