Re: [MOL] Hello Tonia [01136] Medicine On Line


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Re: [MOL] Hello Tonia



Miss Toni,

	You listen to what Lisa is saying.  It's basically the same thing I
said, only she's nicer about it.  (I eat size nine's all the time!)

Carol in Memphis




On Fri, 11 Aug 2000 23:18:47 -0700 lisafix <lisafix@home.com> writes:
> Hi Tonia,
> 
>   I haven't really talked with you yet. I am Lisa. I have a mother 
> with a rare
> and incurable brain tumor. I also have three children ages 2, 5, and 
> 7. My
> husband is not available to help out with the kids much, he works 2 
> jobs. I have
> been having the hardest time balancing as well. I know how you feel. 
> I recently
> came to the conclusion that my role must be very defined and 
> understood by the
> family, so I don't fall victim to the emotional turmoil and guilt 
> that they try
> to put on me from time to time (as happens to the best of families 
> during times
> of great stress), and also so I know where to focus and not get down 
> on myself!
> It was hard for me to figure out. I went through the whole 
> superwoman thing for a
> long time, and my husband and kids were getting all wacky on me, 
> then I tried
> spending every 3rd day with my mom all day, but that also caused a 
> major
> disruption to my family. I was starting to get the abrupt phone 
> calls from family
> that I should not be skipping days. The thing is that I live and 
> hour away from
> my mom's house, and she lives with her husband who is technically 
> her caregiver.
> I needed to set very strict boundaries with the family. First I 
> asked my mom to
> come and live in my home with the kids and Jim and I. We have an 
> extra room and
> the kids are safe and pretty occupied here. She said that she would 
> like that but
> she needs more peace than my home can give her (I am sure you know 
> all about
> that!). So my only option was to say to her that I would be a 
> frequent visitor,
> and take her out to the movies or lunch when she is having good 
> days, but that I
> was not going to be her caregiver. Her husband would need to be in 
> charge of
> that. We live too far and the kids are too young. I also called my 
> aunts and
> grandma and let them know that this is my role. I am not her  
> caregiver, living
> 60 California miles away (this means TRAFFIC!), and raising a 
> family. I could
> only be that if she is in my home. So, I am a visitor and her 
> biggest advocate
> with the doctors. I told relatives not to call unless it was just to 
> give and get
> updates. I would not be talked down to, and I have clarified my role 
> here. My
> younger brother who does not have a family and lives about 15 
> minutes away has
> recently taken a part of the responsibility. He comes over and stays 
> the night a
> few nights out of the week so my mom's husband can go golfing or run 
> errands.
> Also, my other family members have started to spend more time with 
> her, now that
> they are not busy badgering me. I think because my mom and I have 
> always been the
> closest everyone expected me to take care of her and backed off, 
> everyone
> including her own husband for some reason. I think me stepping back 
> has brought
> balance to the whole family, as well as my own family unit. Then you 
> also need to
> consider what it is that you need to do to make yourself feel 
> better. It may be
> that you have a lot to do and say with your dad so that you will 
> always be able
> to look back and feel that you did your best (no matter what the 
> outcome is).
> Everyone is different. The most important thing is to make the time 
> with your dad
> QUALITY time, and to make sure that your marriage and relationships 
> with your
> children remain intact through this. You will find this balance. I 
> don't know how
> long my current situation will be right for all of us, but for now 
> it is working,
> and I can make adjustments as necessary. Don't be afraid to shift 
> when needed (it
> sounds to me like you need a little shift for your marriage's sake). 
> I will be
> thinking of you through this. Love, Lisa
> 
> TON1213@aol.com wrote:
> 
> > First off.  Can you say Pity Potty Party Time 10 times???  HE HE 
> HE
> >
> > Seriously, I don't what to write a book here and I don't know how 
> to start.
> > I have been having a difficult time balancing.  As many of you may 
> know I am
> > a caregiver, my dad has AML and we just found out today my Uncle 
> has bladder
> > cancer.  I have a brother and a sister but I have been the one who 
> has done
> > the research, gone to doctor appointments, stayed at the hospital 
> with my
> > dad.  It's not that my siblings don't care, I just happen to be 
> the one in
> > that role.  I believe God has given me the strength to be the glue 
> in the
> > family.  I also have a husband and 4 children under the age of 8.
> >
> >  The chemo and doctor appointments have been very demanding the 
> past 4 months
> > and my husband has taken on the role of both parents quite a bit.  
> I know he
> > is getting frustrated and I know my dad feels guilty I am spending 
> a great
> > deal of time with him when I have 4 little ones at home.  I am 
> trying to
> > spread myself between everyone.  I don't want to come off as 
> thinking I am a
> > super woman or such a great mother and daughter.  I am trying my 
> best but I
> > feel like I could handle this better.  I sympathize with my 
> husband Bob's
> > frustration and yet I only have one dad and he needs me and I need 
> to be with
> > him....
> >
> >  Then there is the guilt of even having the audacity to mention my 
> selfish
> > feelings to you wonderful people who are living with cancer and 
> here I am
> > worried about balancing.
> >
> > So, can you guys help me get off the pot, please??
> >
> > Tonia
> >
> > 
>
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