Re: [MOL] Dave B. and my "old" MOL friends [03043] Medicine On Line

[Date Prev][Date Next][Thread Prev][Thread Next][Date Index][Thread Index]

Re: [MOL] Dave B. and my "old" MOL friends

Hi, Dave, never apologize for that sense of humor -- it's wonderful!
Congrats on that 35 years -- that should give you an edge, my friend.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer just 1-1/2 years into a new marriage. Bad
enough the poor guy inherited 2 teenagers, but to also get hit by his wife
having an aggressive breast cancer, with mastectomy, multiple surgeries,
chemo, baldness (mine -- he's got great hair), etc. -- pretty rough stuff!
And this is his first (and hopefully will be his ONLY!) marriage! The good
news is that we faced it together, and just celebrated our 7th anniversary
-- cancer-free! YIPPEE!! (and going for at least another 35 years) True, I
am not exactly the same woman he married, and things changed pretty fast,
but we faced it together.

One of the challenges is that the cancerer has to look after him/herself;
all of our energies MUST go into fighting the cancer; we can't also be
owning our spouse's feelings or protecting them from it. So spouses really
need a strong support system of their own. You will notice on this forum for
example, that usually the cancerer OR the caregiver (rarely both) are signed
on. I don't think it's an accident -- we all need a private place to vent
and speak what we really feel. Your wife needs that too. She is probably
terrified of losing you, but that is not likely something she will feel she
can talk to you about too freely.

Cancer and other life-threatening illnesses are paradoxes in that, on the
one hand they can bring us closer to loved ones, while on the other hand, we
cancerers enter a world they can't enter or fully understand until their own
time, no matter how much we and they want it. Communication is vital, and I
think the cancerer has to to take the lead in some areas, letting loved ones
know what is "OK" to talk about. If you sense your wife is struggling with
some things, keep inviting her to get it out in the open; if not with you,
then a friend, counselor, etc.

Know that there are going to be tense times -- you are in the battle of your
life. But getting the demons exposed to the light often "vaporizes" them. At
the very least, it's easier to fight what you can see!

Blessings to both of you Dave, and many prayers. Love, Joicy

on 6/28/00 10:49 PM, at wrote:

> Mary Ann
> Thanks for the encouragement...................I need lots of TLC these days.
> Let me ask all a question....................................
> I've been married for 35 years......all to the same woman!!!!!!!!! (sorry
> folks, I can't help
> it) sometimes I think one of my blood transfusions came from Henny Youngman.
> When you had some time to get over your original reaction to a cancer
> diagnosis,
> how was your relationship with your spouse.............just your day to day
> stuff. Any
> problems?????????? I'm not looking for in depth stories, just general stuff.
> Dave B

This is an automatically-generated notice.  If you'd like to be removed
from the mailing list, please visit the Medicine-On-Line Discussion Forum
at <>, or send an email message to:
with the subject line blank and the body of the message containing the line:
unsubscribe mol-cancer your-email-address
where the phrase your-email-address is replaced with your actual email