[MOL] Dusti [00303] Medicine On Line


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[MOL] Dusti



Hi Dusti,
I feel like I know you. I have taken much consideration to the advice I
hear from you and others on the forum. I have also been taking time to
listen to my heart. The lord speaks to us in whispers. It is hard to
hear when we are running crazy with stress. It is pretty clear to me
that it is not my role to be anything but a supportive friend to my mom.
As it becomes harder for her to communicate it becaomes increasingly
important to be surrounded by the people that know and understand her.
My two aunts and myself are those people. Her husband is having trouble
dealing with his grief, (he lost his previous wife to cancer also) and
is in serious denial. I was warmed by your story of climbing into the
hospital bed with your mom when she was freezing. I, too find myself
climbing into her bed at times and "spooning" her like I did when I was
a little girl. She was so sweet at the hospital this very day when they
had just administered her chemo (thank you for asking Francisco about
Irinotecan) and I climbed in bed with her. She was asking if I had
enough room! She is such a mother. Even in this time. Yes, I feel
frightened about what my life will be when she passes. I can't imagine.
I know it sounds narcisistic but I think the whole world will be a
darker place without her spirit here to brighten it. She is more than a
mom to me. She is a friend, and an inspirational person. I am who I am
because of her, and she has affected the lives of so many people. And
there has never been another mother-daughter team like us. I know many
people must think this about their own mothers, and you must too. I just
look at her and see the most special person. How could a disease like
this take someone like her? At least she could have gotten something
with a fighting chance. Even a spirit as strong as hers cannot conquer
this monster. I saw pictures of it today. The last time I saw it it was
a lump with empty space in the center where surgeons had taken it in
Feb. Now it was completely filled in, but larger in diameter with two
ugly arms coming out of it. One reached to the top of her head. The
other went straight into her brain's speech center (should be called
communication center because it includes writing, signing, reading,
etc...). I was so angry when I looked at the MRI's but I was there with
her and family. I could not react. This is what it looked like after
maximum radiation, and two rounds of chemo. It became clear to me that
we could not beat this thing. We will, but I am afraid for what God has
been preparing me for this past week. I have known in my heart even
before the pictures that time is running out. As positive as I usually
am, and how upbeat my personality, I cannot feel that way about this
anymore. I feel that I am being realisitic, not pessimistic. God has
been preparing me in many ways. A song comes on the radio, seeming like
it was written about my mother and I. I found pictures of us when I was
small in a box in the garage I was cleaning. I found you guys...believe
me that was an act of God. I didn't even know what this pesky thing was
I had gotten stuck on my computer until the next day and read all the
posts. I can't even figure out what I found you on, but I was NOT loking
for you! What a blessing it is. Also, I am a pre-nursing student, and my
professor that I became very close to last semester told me recently
that his uncle died of the same disease years ago. I have been reunited
with my half-sisters (shared a father) after 7 years, and after talking
to the oldest one, I found out that their Step Grandma had just died of
the same thing a couple months ago there in hteir house. She told me
about the type of death, and tried to comfort me that it was in her
sleep. I also belive that the lord has taken me to a good time in my
life, where I have left my abusive ex-husband and been remarried a
couple years, bought a house, had baby #3, going to school, following my
dreams....to show mom that I will be okay now. She worried so much about
me before, and she was the only other parent to my children (my ex was
not really there for them). Now the kids and me have a wonderful life.
If her time had to come before she would have not felt at peace with the
life she was leaving me in. My younger brother has had similar changes.
For years he was irresponsible and we all worried about him. Now he has
a good job that he has had for over a year, and enjoying the rewards of
promotions and raises, and has also been serious with his girlfriend for
over a year! He grew up. I hope I don't sound like I am giving up on my
mom. I am not. I will fight along with her for as long as we can. I just
feel that God is preparing us all for what will happen soon. I am always
able to see the bright side of things and to keep a good attitude, but
my only way of doin that now is to enjoy every second that my beautiful
mother is still with us. I hope I have not upset you or anyone by this,
I guess I needed to get it all out. I better go to bed...   Love,
Lisa


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