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Lisa,
If that is the way she is communicating then I urge you to take a minute and go to the library. It will help you to ease anxiety that she must feel when she can't get her point across. I just can't imagine how it must feel but I do know that it is difficult for them. The last time Mom was in the hospital it was because she had not eaten in a couple of weeks and was very close to being completely comatose. During that period, she had a very hard time communicating. If I asked her a question and she didn't have the energy to answer it or she felt like she just couldn't answer it clearly, sometimes she would just stare at me and then look away, that was the hardest to take but I knew that I shouldn't push her. If I would have, it would have almost been sensory overload, you know? During those periods, I kept my questions concise and didn't expect her to answer my idle chatter. I did let her know that I was sorry that she was having to struggle and that I wish that I could do more but I was there. As a matter of fact, she was so cold one night, I climbed right into bed with her and we shared a very special night. We didn't talk very much but I know she was grateful to have the closeness without sadness, without fear, just trying to cherish the time left. I guess we all find our own ways and you will too Lisa, just keep your eyes, ears & heart open. That was nice of you to say that I sounded like I had it together. Truth be told, somedays I feel like the world is falling apart around me. Some days I drive home crying my eyes out (not in front of Chance, my son) and talking to myself out loud and feeling quite full of despair and wishing that I could go with her (I know that sounds weird). I fear the future without her here. I am quite un-together sometimes but I always think to myself that tomorrow is a new day and usually I wake up the next day feeling better. Grieving, and that is what you are doing, is not fun. It is supposed to hurt & make us sad but I think that there are a lot of lessons to be learned from grief. Look for the lessons that your Mother still has to teach you. Lessons on courage and steadfastness and dignity, I am humbled by what she has had to endure and know that I will never be the same person again. I can't help but be more empathetic to my fellow human beings, to realize that the world does not revolve around me & my little family. Cancer has opened my eyes in a way that I will never be the same again. I trust that God has a reason for strengthening my faith although I could have done without this lesson! I still do trust him.
Take care,
Dusti
----------
From: lisafix[SMTP:lisafix@home.com]
Reply To: mol-cancer@lists.meds.com
Sent: Monday, June 05, 2000 12:56 PM
To: mol-cancer@lists.meds.com
Subject: [MOL] Dusti
Dear Dusti,
Thank you so much for your special attention to this subject. No you did
not sound negative. As a matter of fact my mother has progressed also to
the point where she is sort of already gone, too. Her disease is not
survivable (we are still hoping for a miracle) and since it is a brain
tumor her speech and personality have changed considerably. She does not
speak much anynore, and when she does it usually doen't make much sense.
She uses absract words and sounds to try to get her message across. I am
the only one who understands any of it when she is at these points, and
still I don't understand much. She is always grateful for any
interpertation at all. She also has terrible side effects from her
sweeling that come and go. Thaks for your storu about your mom it is
helpful to hear someone keeping it all together. I think I appear to
keep it all together, my family is always commenting on my incredible
strength and clearheadedness. It is only on the outside though. I have
so much keeping me busy it is easy to just keep on moving and working,
and not appear to be eaten up by this. But the truth is that inside I am
so torn up I wonder if I am really keeping it together. I am grateful
for the support I have found here on the forum because I have a definite
problem asking for help from my husband and friends. I have to go now to
the hospital. Today we are trying a new chemo, Irinotecan on her today
and she will need to be under observation for heavier side effect. I
will not be available for another day or so. I will write in soon. Thank
you so much. LisaFix
"
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