I've been reading with much interest the opinions expressed, from everyone's
hearts and souls, about the impact of cancer on both the patients and the
caregivers.
I was dx'd with both kidney and colon cancer in October, 1998. God gave me
such super strength before, during and right after the surgeries, that I was
consoling everyone else. I admit, I did have some horrid moments/days when
I was petrified, and I cried. But in general, I was very, very optimistic.
So much, that my doctors and family thought I was being TOO optimistic, and
they were worried about that, in the event that things didn't turn out as
well for me as I was hoping. Of course, they didn't tell me this until
after the original surgeries.
Looking back at the last year or so, I can see how many emotional roller
coaster rides I have been on. Just six months or so after my surgery, when
they did get all the cancer, a "good" friend of mine told me "Your cancer is
old stuff now. It's no big deal because you didn't have to have chemo --
you just had surgery. Look at me! I need to have my gall bladder out
sometime." To me, it seemed like everyone else got back to normal, and I
didn't feel like I was back to normal, even though the physical part of my
cancer was over. It seemed to me that I, for whatever reason, needed to
talk about it -- to talk about my fears/insecurities that maybe they didn't
really get it all, that it might come back, etc., and nobody wanted to
listen to me. That really bothered me alot. I would get comments like the
above, or the subject would be changed midstream, and this really hurt and
bothered me. And, I just want to let you all know that I'm not a
complainer, nor one to run something in the ground. I don't like people who
are hypochondriacs, so I have always been very aware of what/how/when I say
something so it doesn't come across like that.
Sometimes, too I think maybe they've been this way because, since I was so
strong and brave before and during the surgeries, they think I'm still
strong, brave, and shouldn't need to talk, shouldn't have fears/insecurities
of recurrence.
I've found that I've become much more stressed, can't handle stressful
situations like I could before I had cancer. I think it's because I realize
how precious life is, how short it is, and when people gripe, complain
continuously about things I see as petty, it drives me up the wall! These
things that irritate me are the same things that were going on before I got
sick -- situations at work, etc.
Immediately following my surgeries, I was THE happiest person in the whole
world, and no one, nothing could get on my nerves. I loved everybody,
everything. That changed, and it really bothered me, and still bothers me.
I feel that I should be able to more easily handle stress, let go of things.
But it's just the opposite.
I do value life, and I thank God for my current health. Has anyone else
experienced any of this?
Brenda
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