The Eight Steps
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STEP ONE: Hurling Out the Pain
An individual must confess, own up to the iniquities he or she
committed whether willingly or inadvertently. This is a verbal confession.
This confession is a positive commandment. How do You confess? The
individual says, "I beseech You, God; I sinned, I transgressed, I was
careless. Before You I did the following .... Behold, I regret and am
embarrassed by my deeds and/or actions and I will never repeat this deed
again.
(Maimonides, Hilchos Teshuvah, Chapter One, Section One)
When we suffer, there comes a time when the pain becomes unbearable.
We spiral down and down until we stop with a thud. It then becomes clear
that our lives cannot continue as they were. The first step is to get it all
out.
Realizing that we have to change is not enough. An action is required
in order to make a stand against whatever we did. When we hurl it out, we
tell someone specifically what we did and how we are now committed to putting
a stop to it. This becomes a positive force propelling us toward the next
step.
STEP TWO: Recognizing That You've Changed
What is the essence of Teshuvah? An individual forsakes his or her
misdeeds and removes them from his or her thoughts. There is finality in
one's heart that there is no returning to those misdeeds .... And the said
person knows and is witness in the hiddenness (of one's heart) that he or she
will never return to this (said misdeed) again. As it is written (Hoshea
14:4), "We no longer say to the work of our hands: 'You are our gods.'" An
individual needs to acknowledge this with one's lips and to say these matters
that are finished in one's heart.
(Maimonides, Hilchos Teshuvah, Chapter Two, Section Two)
Once we have laid out the cards of our pain on the table, we see that
we don't want to have anything to do with them anymore. There is no doubt in
our minds and hearts. We will not allow the things that led us downward to
influence us again. From this day forward, we leave the struggle behind.
STEP THREE: Standing Up for Yourself
Keep yourself far away from the things that caused you to sin. Change
your name, which is to say, "I am a different individual, and I'm not the
person who did all those things." Change your actions and deeds, all of them,
to the good and straight path. And go into exile from your current place.
(Maimonides, Hilchos Teshuvah, Chapter Two, Section Four)
We realize that in order to have nothing to do with what caused our
pain, we have to separate ourselves from many things. It is as if we had a
previous self who did those things or acted that way. Staying far away from
that previous life is now a steadfast commitment.
Our confession has brought us to a new awareness. We become aware of
a part of our personality that had been hidden in our pain. This new sense of
self is like a new name. And our new name is bringing us forward to begin a
new life.
STEP FOUR: Moving Forward with Life
"Remember your Creator in the days of your youth" (Ecc.12:1) [Because
your life has changed, you no longer have desire in your former life.] Who
attains complete Teshuvah? An individual who is challenged, who faces and
confronts the same situation in which he or she stumbled and has at hand the
possibility to commit that misdeed again, and who refrains and doesn't do it
because of his or her individual Teshuvah. And this refraining is not out of
fear nor lack of strength.
(Maimonides, Hilchos Teshuvah, Chapter Two, Section One)
No matter how carefully we may have separated ourselves from our
previous situation, something or someone will pop up and challenge us. This
is a great opportunity because by meeting and overcoming the challenge, we
feel strong and sure that we have moved forward with our lives.
As a result, we feel renewed, almost young again. This youthful
feeling is a signal that it is time to get our lives back on track.
We have moved ourselves so completely away from our former
difficulties that we stop looking back. What lies ahead of us is a wide-open
world ready for our new sense of vitality.
STEP FIVE: Straightening Out Personal Business
Transgressions between an individual and another are never forgiven
until you reconcile your debt and appease your friend. Even if you return
said individual's money that you owe, you need to reconcile and ask to be
forgiven. Even if you upset someone by saying certain (hurtful) things, you
must appease this person until you are forgiven. If the individual doesn't
forgive, go back to that person two or three times. [But] If the individual
doesn't want [to forgive you], you may leave the matter and go. The person
who refuses to be forgiving is considered a sinner.
(Maimonides, Hilchos Teshuvah, Chapter Two, Section Nine)
Before our lives can move ahead smoothly, before we can be ready for
that wide-open world, we have to ask for forgiveness from the people we hurt.
We are now emotionally strong enough to endure the discomfort of repairing
the damage.
It's not enough to say we're sorry. We have to do everything possible
to find satisfactory resolutions. There are two parts involved: paying back
and seeking forgiveness. Both are necessary. To do this, it's important to go
the extra mile.
STEP SIX: Confessing Your Actions in Public
It is exceedingly praiseworthy for an individual to do Teshuvah by
confessing in public and acknowledging and making his or her sins known to
others, and revealing the transgressions that occurred between the individual
and his or her friends. The individual should say to them, "I sinned against
so-and-so and I did such-and-such . . . Behold, I am this day doing Teshuvah
and express my regret.
(Maimonides, Hilchos Teshuvah, Chapter Two, Section Five)
Once we've set things from the past straight, we move forward by
sharing with others what we have learned. We strengthen ourselves
tremendously by talking about how far we fell, how we hurt ourselves, how we
hurt others, and how we struggled to climb back to where we stand with them
now.
This accomplishes two powerful things. First, there is a great lesson
in humility that accompanies a public admission. Second, by baring our souls
publicly, we help those we've wronged recognize that our regret is sincere.
STEP SEVEN: Living Your Forgiveness
An individual should not wonder and say, "How is it possible for us
to do what we want and thus be responsible for all our actions? The Creator
desires that individuals have free choice and be responsible for their
actions without being forced or pulled. It's forbidden for a person to be
cruel and not be appeased. Rather, a person ought to be easily appeased and
difficult to anger. When someone who sinned against you asks you for
forgiveness, you should forgive with a complete heart and a willing spirit.
Even if that person caused you pain and wronged you many times, don't seek
revenge and don't bear a grudge.
(Maimonides, Hilchos Teshuvah, Chapter Two, Section Ten and Chapter Five,
Section Four)
After speaking to others about our struggle, we continue onward
through life, conscious of our great responsibility to make wise decisions.
We must look around in the world and find ways to make positive choices for
our lives.
We are now keenly aware of how we are responsible for every move we
make. No one is forcing us to choose one way or the other, but we no longer
consider choices that could take us in the wrong direction.
Being unforgiving in any way keeps us from making positive decisions.
When we forgive someone, particularly who caused us pain, we pave new paths
upon which others will travel the road of forgiveness.
We previously sought forgiveness from those we hurt, but memories of
how others hurt us tend to linger. Our willingness to forgive is a sign that
we have truly been transformed. Without holdouts and grudges, we are free to
touch the sky.
STEP EIGHT: Falling in Love with Life
The one who serves God out of Love . . . and walks in the pathway of
wisdom-not because of anything in this world; not because of fear that evil
will happen; not in order to get something good from it; but rather the
person does what is true because it is true-In the end, goodness will come
from it . . . What is the proper amount of love? A person should love God
with a great and powerful love until that person's soul is bound up in the
love of God. . . . One cannot love God except through the knowledge that one
knows God. According to the amount of one's knowledge will be the amount of
one's love.
(Maimonides, Hilchos Teshuvah, Chapter Ten, Sections Two, Three, and Six)
We didn't know it, but when we first hurled out the pain, we were
making room for love. We continued to evolve and be transformed by working on
ourselves. Through the work of Teshuvah, we roused our minds and spirit and
found within us our love of God.
We are heartsick for more knowledge of the Spirit. We let go and let
love embrace our lives.
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