- Establish your desired identity and what's preventing you from express-ing it.
- What is your present identity?
- What is your desired identity?
- How will you know when you achieve or change your identity?
- What is keeping you from being who you want to be?
- What are your highest priorities?
- Identify the disempowering physiological patterns of associations to your present identity behavioral patterns.
- Establish a congruent commitment to change now!
- Access and utilize leverage.
- Link massive pain as the consequence to not changing and massive pleasure for changing now!
- Interrupt limiting patterns associated with your past identity.
- Consistently disrupt the neurological associations between your present limiting beliefs, images, emotions, and behaviors until the pattern of association is broken.
- Create new empowering patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving. This can be accomplished in a variety of ways. For example:
- Change the habitual questions that you ask yourself daily; change your focus.
- Change the words that you consistently use in your vocabulary. Instead of saying, "I'm so tired," try instead, "I'm relaxed now."
- Do something different that interrupts your daily routine.
- Condition these new patterns by giving yourself rewards until they become consistent habits.
- In order to accomplish this, it is important to know what motivates you; what the individual psychological needs are that correlate with your personality structure, and what you consider rewards to be.
- Test your new identity.
- Evaluate the consequences of your new patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving to make sure they empower you. Take into account your beliefs, convictions, and values in both your personal and professional lifestyle, as well as, of course, your health lifestyle.
CHANGING YOUR IDENTITY
All change is the result of changing your neuro-associations ... to what you link pain and pleasure to.
Who you become depends on your decisions, not your conditions.
You change your identity, your life, and your future by:
- Raising your standards.
- Changing your limiting beliefs.
- Developing effective strategies to get the results you want.
HOW BELIEFS ARE CREATED
- Environment - the collective process of acculturation.
- Significant emotional events.
- Knowledge - what we know and what we don't know.
- Results we have gotten in the past.
- Results in advance - our beliefs can be based on how things are going to be.
The quickest way to change beliefs is to change results in advance. Faith is an example of taking results out of the future.
- Take a small action to produce a small desired result.
- This result provides a new "experience" about who you are and what is possible.
- Beliefs are built upon experiences. Your identity is built upon beliefs.
- Unlimited beliefs give you great power.
Your success about maximizing "Your Power to Win with Cancer" is an outgrowth of your ability to take action with appropriate beliefs to create the results you want. Note: action without appropriate beliefs will rarely produce the results you want!
Anthony Robbins, in his technology called Neuro-Associative Conditioning, describes a success cycle to use as a shortcut for making decisions.
- Choose an optimal belief.
- Take a small action operating out of that belief (pretend the belief is true).
- Focus on a small desired result. For example, "My energy is better today."
- Visualize a desired result in advance. For example, see yourself well.
- Experience your potential with this unlimited belief.
CHANGING YOUR IDENTITY
CHANGING SOME OF YOUR ROLES
One of the primary roles that has been conditioned for you is the role with your spouse. Since you have been diagnosed with cancer you may have found that you have developed some new and limiting roles in your relationship, based on beliefs about your current situation.
The following diagram describes a psychological game that couples often get into when there is distress in the family system, such as the diagnosis of cancer. This diagram is called "The Drama Triangle." It was initially developed by Steven Karpman, who used it to describe the psychological game involved in alcoholism. This pattern also often applies to the family with cancer.
A psychological game involves a set of transactions between two or more people, where the end result is a "bad feeling." These transactions are often unconsciously motivated and are based on anger, fear, or guilt.
CHANGING YOUR ROLES
There are three roles in the Drama Triangle, and they are interchangeable:
Often the person with cancer starts out in the victim role with the beliefs:
"I am helpless...I am at the mercy of this cancer. It is a hopeless situation. My cure depends on something outside of me (drugs, surgery, etc.)"
The unexpressed emotions are frequently fear and depression.
The spouse often starts out in the rescuer role with the beliefs:
"I am responsible for getting my wife or husband well. I know what they need even if they don't ask for it. I'm responsible for keeping my husband or wife cheered up and optimistic about the future."
After a period of time, either the patient or the supporting spouse (or both) will change roles for the following reasons:
- The patient will get tired of being in a one-down position with other people trying to get them well, and/or
- The supporting spouse will burn out from trying to rescue the patient.
Ultimately, the patient may move into the persecutor role and attack his or her spouse for being "too overprotective," or "smothering them" with their rescuing behaviors.
Or, the supporting spouse may move into the persecutor role and attack the patient for not doing what they "should do" in order to get well.
These transactions can go around and around, with the roles changing back and forth many times. These dynamics of conflict, which drain both "players," actually limit the patient's energy for recovery.
To stop this psychological game, move out of playing one of the roles in this triangle; the other "player" is then forced to change the dynamics of communication in the relationship. You can do this by:
Identifying your limiting beliefs in the role that you are in.
Expressing how you are really feeling to your spouse. For example, the patient often feels they must pretend to feel better than they actually do, to avoid upsetting their spouse.
You are actually rescuing another person when you do not express your feelings directly. To believe that you are responsible for someone's feelings is an unhealthy belief, and reinforces rescuing behaviors.
If you are the supporting spouse, let your husband or wife (the patient) know when you are scared. You may find that you have much less of a tendency to want to "persecute" them when you share the fact that behind your anger is really fear. When you find yourself as the supporting spouse focusing on the things the patient isn't doing right to get well, you can be assured that what is going on inside of you is your fear of losing them.
When you can own what you feel, it is much easier to support your spouse in getting well without rescuing or persecuting them.