Re: [MOL] Marty, this is hard to say... [01084] Medicine On Line


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Re: [MOL] Marty, this is hard to say...



Dear Joicy,

I am so very blessed that you care enough about me or us to share your
most personal experiences and thoughts. I have pondered that decision as
well many times over this past weekend. I have and neither has Barb ever
kept anything from each other that would undermine our trust  and faith
for one another. The reason I decided not to tell Barb about this news
is and to leave it up to Doc is this. For even I don't know what the
option may be or alternative might be when once learned and heard. In
other words, if the Doctor or when the Doctor tells Barb and I that the
chemotherapy is not working and that the disease has progressed, he is
in a better situation to tell us other conventional options open. For I
can't do that as I just dont know. If I were to tell Barb, she will ask
about options and I just don't know. I do believe there are many
conventional options open to Barb and that is for the Doctor to suggest
and provide her that hope. So, in thinking over this, I know that I am
risking some reciprocity or faith or trust concerns as you so astutely
mentioned. But, I thought that if the Doctor were to tell her, he is in
a better situation to also provide hope and another means of
conventional alternative. If I were to tell her before hand about the
failure of this chemotherapy, I know that I could not provide the same
hope in a sense of what is available as the Doctor and also would take
away the great weekend she is having now in not knowing. Yes, I have
toyed with your suggestion so very much. I know that I may be risking
some trust between us. But, I know that the 30 years that we have and
will continue to have will continue to bind us in a way that she will
know and accept that the decision I made was for her happiness and my
concern for her because I just don't have the answers as her Oncologist
would. Does that make sense, JOicy? I hope so, for I just don't have the
answer and I thank you so very much, for I have pondered this matter
over and over and continue to ponder. You are right of course. YOu and
your husband have taken similar oaths as we have. I just believe in this
case, in this particular instant that telling her, without any medical
knowledge as to options, would take away much hope from her whereas
being told by her Doctor is another case where he is in a better
situation to provde those options and answer those questions she may or
I may have.

I am so glad you have shared your views and I have taken them to heart
and will continue to ponder this weekend. I do hope though in light of
my decision, you will continue to support us as we do you. You are a
spiritual gem, to many, to us and your views are  so well respected.
Never stop. WE love you for that. If you have any more suggestions, pls
never hesitate to advise. WE accept all with a great sincerity of love
and  compassion. Thank you.

God Bless,
marty and Barb

Joicy wrote:
> 
> Dear Marty, I know that more than anything you are trying to do the
> "right thing." And all of us and our ways of coping are very different,
> so I have struggled with how much I should say of what is in my heart
> right now. But speaking as a woman who has fought this cancer monster,
> if my husband got information from the doctor and did not tell me, no
> matter how well-intentioned he might be, it would deeply undermine my
> ability to trust him about the future. If he told me "all was well"
> later on -- knowing that he had kept information from me in the past --
> well, I would always be wondering what he was keeping from me. Even if
> the news was good, I would be doubtful that it was true. In the back of
> my mind I would always wonder if information was being withheld.
> 
> It would also set up a new "rule" between us -- that it is "not ok" to
> talk about bad news; that either he thought I was too weak to be able to
> deal with it (which I would find insulting) or he was too weak to deal
> with it. And the latter would then make me feel as if I had to protect
> HIM. Any way you look at it, what may seem like a selfless act could
> really backfire on you both.
> 
> However long God may give you both, odds are that Barb will go first.
> And as her time approaches, whenever it is, she will need to be able to
> say whatever is on her mind. Please don't set up a situation where hope
> is confused with denial, where she can't share the difficult with the
> good.
> 
> Please, please reconsider your decision. There is something very
> powerful and loving even in sharing bad news together and in grieving it
> together. Please don't continue the charade unless she has indicated in
> the past that she expects this from you. Also be aware that she may, in
> her heart of hearts, already know; this may not be the surprise you
> think it is.
> 
> Again, I know we are all different, but I had to say this, for what it's
> worth. I hope I have not hurt you or offended you; it was not my intent.
> It is not defeat or giving up to look the demons square in the eye, my
> friend. Love to you both, Joicy
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