Re: [MOL] Marty, this is hard to say... [01041] Medicine On Line


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Re: [MOL] Marty, this is hard to say...



Dearest Marty and Joicy - once again Joicy has conveyed what I was trying to
convey but ever so much more eloquently....I think it's essential that the
openness and honesty that has characterized your loving relationship be ever
present at this difficult time for you both....you shield her, then she will
shield you and before you know it you'll both be always wondering what's in the
other's mind and hearts....I agree with Joicy that either you must reconsider
your decision to hide the truth from Barb, or under no circumstances let her
ever know you knew all weekend and were hurting and "pretending" while she was
having her memorable weekend...that is assuming her inner intuition hasn't
already confirmed her fears - that's a very powerful tool in a woman
particularly.  I think it's very important that going forward, assuming you
don't reconsider this weekend's decision, you both either find out at the same
time, or both are totally open with what you do find out. As Joicy says, there's
a closeness and intimacy and trust built up in life's good and difficult times.
I know in my case without exception, I have anticipated the outcomes of CT
scans...both good and bad. There's something that one can tell is going right or
not going right inside when one is dealing with cancer.  When my tumor becomes
active, I describe it almost like having an active beehive inside, and extra
heat inside...too difficult to truly put into words.  And then it gets quiet
again.  Good and bad CT's usually follow accordingly.  Dearesst Marty, my heart
is very saddened for you - you are incredibly loving and giving and supportive
and I think the task you have taken on this weekend is incredibly
selfless....Much love and take care of yourself too.  Love. Cori.

Joicy wrote:

> Dear Marty, I know that more than anything you are trying to do the
> "right thing." And all of us and our ways of coping are very different,
> so I have struggled with how much I should say of what is in my heart
> right now. But speaking as a woman who has fought this cancer monster,
> if my husband got information from the doctor and did not tell me, no
> matter how well-intentioned he might be, it would deeply undermine my
> ability to trust him about the future. If he told me "all was well"
> later on -- knowing that he had kept information from me in the past --
> well, I would always be wondering what he was keeping from me. Even if
> the news was good, I would be doubtful that it was true. In the back of
> my mind I would always wonder if information was being withheld.
>
> It would also set up a new "rule" between us -- that it is "not ok" to
> talk about bad news; that either he thought I was too weak to be able to
> deal with it (which I would find insulting) or he was too weak to deal
> with it. And the latter would then make me feel as if I had to protect
> HIM. Any way you look at it, what may seem like a selfless act could
> really backfire on you both.
>
> However long God may give you both, odds are that Barb will go first.
> And as her time approaches, whenever it is, she will need to be able to
> say whatever is on her mind. Please don't set up a situation where hope
> is confused with denial, where she can't share the difficult with the
> good.
>
> Please, please reconsider your decision. There is something very
> powerful and loving even in sharing bad news together and in grieving it
> together. Please don't continue the charade unless she has indicated in
> the past that she expects this from you. Also be aware that she may, in
> her heart of hearts, already know; this may not be the surprise you
> think it is.
>
> Again, I know we are all different, but I had to say this, for what it's
> worth. I hope I have not hurt you or offended you; it was not my intent.
> It is not defeat or giving up to look the demons square in the eye, my
> friend. Love to you both, Joicy
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