[MOL] Marty, this is hard to say... [01037] Medicine On Line


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[MOL] Marty, this is hard to say...



Dear Marty, I know that more than anything you are trying to do the
"right thing." And all of us and our ways of coping are very different,
so I have struggled with how much I should say of what is in my heart
right now. But speaking as a woman who has fought this cancer monster,
if my husband got information from the doctor and did not tell me, no
matter how well-intentioned he might be, it would deeply undermine my
ability to trust him about the future. If he told me "all was well"
later on -- knowing that he had kept information from me in the past --
well, I would always be wondering what he was keeping from me. Even if
the news was good, I would be doubtful that it was true. In the back of
my mind I would always wonder if information was being withheld.

It would also set up a new "rule" between us -- that it is "not ok" to
talk about bad news; that either he thought I was too weak to be able to
deal with it (which I would find insulting) or he was too weak to deal
with it. And the latter would then make me feel as if I had to protect
HIM. Any way you look at it, what may seem like a selfless act could
really backfire on you both.

However long God may give you both, odds are that Barb will go first.
And as her time approaches, whenever it is, she will need to be able to
say whatever is on her mind. Please don't set up a situation where hope
is confused with denial, where she can't share the difficult with the
good. 

Please, please reconsider your decision. There is something very
powerful and loving even in sharing bad news together and in grieving it
together. Please don't continue the charade unless she has indicated in
the past that she expects this from you. Also be aware that she may, in
her heart of hearts, already know; this may not be the surprise you
think it is.

Again, I know we are all different, but I had to say this, for what it's
worth. I hope I have not hurt you or offended you; it was not my intent.
It is not defeat or giving up to look the demons square in the eye, my
friend. Love to you both, Joicy
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