Re: [MOL] To all molers [02214] Medicine On Line


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Re: [MOL] To all molers



Hi Cris,
 I am new on the list. I live in MN. My father recently died from
complications related to medical mismanagment of haveing his lung removed
for cancer. Before my father died he to went though a stage of the screaming
meanines. His behavior was also typlcal for him when he was drinking. he had
been sober 18 years. I believe that the narcotic pain relievers altered his
brain back to old states causing him to act like a jerk.

I also believe that the DEMONE FEAR took over.  Fear of loss of control fear
of dieing. Some time people try to drive the symbols of there mistakes and
problems away from them selfs so they don't have to accept they are real.
Denial is a big motivator when you are lossing control of you life.  Dad was
a man who always had control of his world in his 70's he sold reilstate, ate
out with all his AA buddies several times a week, Called his farmer friend
on his sell phone in the middle of his feild to lift his day. When he could
not do for and entertain others it was very hard for him he did not know
how to be vunerable in frount of any one.

dad and I continued are usuall disagreements. We allways disagreed That was
part of loveing each other. dad was going deaf he never heard all the
information or stayed to listen to all the information before he made
assumptions and started to dictate.

The bigest part of loveing someone is to beable to be there to Fight Fair
with them when you disagree. Never use verbal abuse back speak in a lower
tone than your father and remind him that you love him state simply what you
feel about his behavior or complaint. rephrase what he says to you in kinder
cleaner language show him how it is done. Think of you self as an
interperator of fear and love.  try not giving him eye contact when he is
yelling look at his hair and see the gray and love him. It is allways the
hardest too. As you have stated His other children are not abele to be
there. I wonder how that makes him feel that the children from his first
marrage are more loyal then his second?  I bet he has all sorts of guilt
running though his head and the only way he knows how to deal with his guilt
is to drive the shame away with verbal abuse. If you are not there to help
him he can justifie his feeling about you and feel in control. He probaly
doesn't know how to say he is Sorry and that he loves you without feeling as
weak as his body.

Talk to your sister. Joke with her and talk about your share compasion and
love for the man who perhaps in some way gave you that gift as a child
because he was such a jerk. Rember the Beauty and the Beast?  The deeper the
rage the deeper the pain. he does not even know what he is truely yelling
about. Try to help him though gental questioning to discover it.

 May god bless you in this difficult time.
Lori
-----Original Message-----
From: CCR0417@AOL.COM <CCR0417@AOL.COM>
To: mol-cancer@lists.meds.com <mol-cancer@lists.meds.com>
Date: Saturday, May 29, 1999 10:31 PM
Subject: [MOL] To all molers


>Thanks for your sweet and touching responses.
>
>The truth is though that this is not the cancer, nor is it the meds making
my
>father this way.  What is happening is that all these things are working
>together to bring out the worst in him; he has always had this side to his
>nature, it's such much more often and as nasty as he could possibly make
it.
>That's not to say he is always such a terrible person, for that wouldn't be
>true.  But the Jekyl/Hyde stuff is showing it's true colors.
>
>I think of the many people including my stepmother whose children are
barely
>(in some cases not at all) involved with sick parents.  Here is my father
who
>keeps pushing everyone away!
>
>When he first was dx w/ cancer his first and only concern was for his
wife --
>until SHE got sick too.  Then he began his verbal assaults on her that were
>so bad she wanted to die and told the doctors that her husband now hated
her,
>so what did she have to live for?  After that, the abuse extended to all
>other close family members.  He still is quite capable of being charming
and
>perfectly civil to other people; so it's not that the cancer has gotten his
>brain.  If it has, then it got his brain already 50 years ago!
>
>I'm so sorry to have to vent about this here.  It really is a personal
matter
>that I shouldn't have burdened you all with, but I can't contact my sister
>tonight for some reason...  I'm worried about her because she left in tears
>and had a 2 hour drive home!  When my father told her never to come back,
she
>shouted, "Don't worry; I WON'T" and slammed the door so hard the walls
shook!
> That poor angel spent a week with Va at Univ Of Pa Hosp, barely getting
any
>sleep.  She footed all the costs of hotel and transporation (refused my
>father's money) and then cared for Va at her home afterward.  She has spent
a
>total of 26 days with Virginia during and after the surgery.  When Va
>reminded to be more appreciative of my sister after all she had done for
>them, he said, "...who asked you? I didn't. It wasn't for ME."
>
>Just downloading tonight.  Please excuse me.
>-chris
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