Dear Gwen - thank you for your very caring email....and yes I'm aware that
when one gets tired and depleted, one's defense mechanisms fall drastically...that
only makes me more worried and anxious because I know my immune system
is major league depressed right now, which only fuels the cancer more...
I'm scheduled to have surgery at St Joseph's Hospital in Atlanta on
May 27...they will be removing a part of the chest wall, my diaphragm and
the lower end of my right lung. It's a very delicate, difficult surgery.
I had a smaller version of the same surgery two years ago yesterday to
the day...at that time though I had a pleura and the lung and chest wall
weren't stuck together. Now the lung and the chest wall are one -
like a concrete piece of wall, with the cancer in between. Maybe
the fact that yesterday was the second anniversary on my d'x and facing
the same path all over again - only bigger, just had me extra vulnerable.
When I'm looking at the world as the glass being half full, I'm thankful
I'm here to celebrate in my 2nd year anniversary when I was given 6 months
or less to live...but when I'm in my half empty mode, I feel tired of the
long uphill struggle in this journey and wish my life would be "normal"
again as before the surgery and d'x. I'm seeing my oncologist again
on Tuesday..I think I'll ask him for anti-dperessants ----Lil you will
get a chuckle out of this...remember the "in"famous on-line raging debate
I started with Martha C. I believe originally when I mentioned something
to the effect that I felt blessed that I had not needed anti-depressants
or relaxants, etc. etc.....As you recall, I did say that I was not against
them actually, just had never felt the need to take them..if I was ever
down I'd take a couple of quick squirts of flower essence Rescue Remedy,
and went about my business. Well, now I think I need something stronger...maybe
just to help me sleep, which as you all know by my lengthy missive at 3
am today....
Well Gwen, I keep you and your sister and family in my prayers.
I hope the patch works to relieve her pain and you too keep well...don't
let your defenses down either. Love. Cori.
Gwen Kouts wrote:
Dear Cori,It
seems your plate is just about as full as it can get.. but take heart,
your boys do not sound so very unusual...Typical teenage
stuff. hope that all smoothes out soon for you.. so you can concentrate
on your very own health...I admire you for the way
you continually look for new paths in your cure... you have a lot of inner
strength. Where is your surgery going to take place and what kind
of surgery? I, too, feel the same way,
there is so many people that depend on me daily, it is hard to find time
to visualize, research, and think of my own health. Maybe God realizes
that and just works some things out for us, I hope. I have a daughter
that is going thru a divorce (not her choice - she is a church member and
has three girls but her husband wants to play), so she needs emotional
support and help with her kids, then my other daughter is doing fine with
her family, but she still likes my advice and time (she is 25), my husband,
my poor, poor sick sister that is in a very bad situation, and my job.
If you write that book, it would probably make you some money, there is
no time to be sick sometimes! Take Care of yourself.
In reading all the series that have recently been posted - it seems if
our defenses get weak, the cancer can play havoc. I
pray God sends angels to protect you on this journey. Your
Friend,Gwen
-----Original
Message----- From: Stuart Scott Harth <charth@bellsouth.net>
To: mol-cancer@lists.meds.com
<mol-cancer@lists.meds.com>;
blessu@att.net <blessu@att.net>
Date: Friday, May 14, 1999
3:13 AM
Subject: Re: [MOL] Cori...Dearest
Carla, Nanc, PJ, Joicy, Gwen, Marty and Auntie Lil....thank you all for
your prayers, support, encouragement and positive thoughts...These past
days have been very stressful...I'm the type that once I make a decision,
I'll go with it and be OK....but during the research gathering phase, I'm
like a Tasmanian devil.....and that's where I'm at right now. I went
to the Bahamas and back - a real long day - left at 6 am. and returned
at midnight - for another stem cell transplant...and have talked and seen
at least 8 doctors in the past few days....as it stands, I'm scheduled
for very major surgery on the 27th - more later....but in between time,
am starting an experimental treatment in Stockbridge GA involving a customized
mesothelioma vaccination/interleukin...I'm also scheduled to do a couple
of things involving ozone and anti oxidants to build my body up before
the surgery. It's sooooo long to go into and it's very late, suffice
to say, the past week has gone by in a blur as I touch bases with doctors
all over the world as I try to decide what to do next. The tumor
is growing very aggressively lately, and it's tough to make life altering
decisions when one is depleted of energy and in pain. But I know
I must keep going....I have to be very honest in that I'm having a very
hard time being a mother to teenagers as I try to make very big decisions.
Both my sons have been suspended from school this week, which has made
it that much more stressful. I do not know to what point the situation
is getting to them too, but the bottom line is that trying to deal with
school administrators as I deal with the rest is stressful. Stephen
was suspended for leaving school last week to go to Mrs. Winner's to get
lunch skipping his Ecology Class and breaking the school rule regarding
leaving school property during school hours..his argument was that he was
hungry and he had 98 in this class...bottom line, he broke a school rule
and he was suspended for 2 days. Scott was suspended for 5 days because
he and 9 other kids went to watch a potential fist fight between 2 kids
as a result of some argument on a school bus....the fight never took place...none
of them should have been there to begin with, but the mother of one of
the boys who was going to fight reported all the witnesses and they've
all been charged with intimidation and potential gang activity. I
know I need to concentrate all my energy in healing...and believe this
is possible with faith and conviction. at the same time I am expending
energy constantly in crises involving teenagers..I'm ready to just get
in my car and drive to the outer banks of NC, or disappearing somewhere
and concentrating on getting better. I'm having a real hard time
dealing with everyday issues involving finances, kids, job, insurance as
I try to center myself and make very major life-altering decisions...The
boys' Dad, though supportive in many ways, is very "macho" and patronizing
and just portrays an attitude of "there, there, get a good night's sleep
and all will be well in the morning"....he's in total denial as to the
situation. I on the other hand am struggling with doing what I know
I need to do to make it through this cancering journey, yet I'm so stressed
out over just dealing with everyday "stuff" that I'm hard pressed to concentrate
on getting better, also wondering what's the point. People keep saying
to write a book about my experience over these past couple of years...if
I ever do, its title will be "Mothers just can't have cancer" !!!!!!
If I sound major stressed out, I am....sorry, that's reality. Not
feeling sorry for myself or a victim, but just at the end of my rope.
When one takes control of the decision making process and sets out in search
of the unknown when facing a cancer where doctors keep saying there is
nothing that can be done, one also takes on the added responsibility of
making major decisions in a vacuum so to speak. Over and over I've
been told there is nothing that can be done for mesothelioma. I don't
believe this, not because I refuse to learn what I'm actually dealing with,
but because I have tremendous faith both in God and in the body's ability
to heal....but every so often it becomes a hard and scary thing to do...to
keep on searching for ways to keep fighting even as I question what the
purpose for fighting is...in other words, sometimes the effort feels
like it's just not worth the it. I only have so much energy....it's
so depleted right now that it's become a very uphill struggle. On
the one hand trying to keep all the normal balls (day to day life) juggling
in the air, and on the other, continuing my search for the right combination
that will stabilize my tumor again....it's a very draining process. I'm
sorry if I'm rambling - Lil you did christen me as Rambling Rose....sorry...but
you all write such wonderful heartwarming and loving messages, I did want
you to know what was going on. Thanks for the opportunity to vent.
Please pray for strength to keep up the fight and for guidance to make
the right choices. Lil I looked into the Staten Island radiation
and have been told to run a country mile in the opposite direction - mesothelioma
is a very strange cancer, and has a character all its own from indolent
to extremely aggessive.. Radiation in any form seems to accelerate the
process, but thanks for thinking of me. Every cancer without exception
has a genetic component to it....with the exception of mesothelioma....it
is a non-genetic, non-metastasizing, strictly environmental, very erratic
cancer.I may go to Germany for some experimental treatment...and will probably
return to the Bahamas shortly after surgery too. am starting another
experimental interleukin/macrophage treatment next week....and as I said,
I had another stem cell transplant yesterday...It is so late that I don';t
know if I'm making sense. I just wanted you all to know that you
are in my prayers and thoughts and even if silent, I'm keeping up with
angel Moler news....again, thank you for all your positive words, love
and support. PJ please keep saying the Novenas..all your prayers
are very much appreciated. Love you all very much. Keep in touch.
Love. Cori.
Carla - I hope life settles down for you little by little. Nanc,
I hope your pain level has decreased big time. Auntie Lil, I'll do
everything I can to be there in June. Marty - I appreciate the advice
...every doctor I have seen says I have no choice but to operate first,
and then afterwards concentrate once again on my immune system...which
I will call you about...Joicy thanks for the warm words...dear sweet PJ
- hope Dolly's acidity has improved and tell her I think of her a lot and
do want to go to Fla and meet her and give her a hug. XXXXX0000000
Cori.
Carla wrote:
Cori,
Nancy just forwarded me your post to me last week... How very special
you are to keep me in your heart and prayers... I am sending this
in hope that you will write me and allow me to share in what is transpiring
with you. I don't know the details, but I most certainly do want
to know that I will keep you lifted in prayer. We
have often talked in the past here on mol, about not understanding what
is going on and that it is impossible to fully understand why things are
happening to us at a time like this. That is why we share
our faith and belief, that through God all things are possible. Cori,
you know that to be true my friend and I know that absolutely everyone
here is keeping you in their prayers in your time of need.
I just became catapulted into something
that I found myself asking God again.. why? why did this have to
happen? Why now?? Why me?? I think the only answer is
that it happened. No explanations, atleast now anyway. How
many times have we all asked why and how many times have our hearts gone
out to eachother when we see eachother ask this question.. Mine is
not even health related.. just marriage related. The
only thing I ever came fully to terms with on the cancering journey is
that I was not given cancer as a punishment for my shortcomings.
I have most definitely grown stronger in my belief that God is of love
and we are of God. I am in him and he is in me. It is so good
for me to know that I am not getting what I earned, but rather that I am
covered under grace. I
had a mole taken off my nose last Friday and I saw a dermatologist.
She asked me very efficiently what I thought caused my cancer. It
could have been any number of things, including the polluted air that we
all now breath, the dilluted soil that we grow our food in, the food from
that soil that we load with chemicals, the animals that we fill with hormones,
the water that we allow companies to dump in and peoples toilets to flush
into and then we "purify" to drink... and so on and so on... I even
told her that it could have been smoking, but I actually thought that the
other things were much worse.. We
will all know the answer one day, but today we can only fill our minds
with determination, our sub-concious with a positive thought, our heart
with courage and open it all to God and our friends; who will help keep
us on the path of wellness and living a good life today, with joy, hope,
love, laughter and prayer. Cori, you have all
of those things in you and all of us who are there to help you in your
journey. You can live this day in a most magnificent way. Remember
that is all that any of us are capable of living... today. You are
a wonderful woman and loved by many, but you are first of all a daugther
of God and in this is a love and comfort that surpasses all understanding.
Your are also a cancering survivor today. I pray for
you my friend that you are filled with the greatest sense of comfort and
basked in the light of the certainty of his love for you... I add
to that my hugs for you.. Please write me when you can.. I
really cannot see any posts on mol, unless someone forwards them to me
or writes me direct... I am still at blessu@att.net
.. God Bless you with his love... Carla
