[MOL] Advice column on pregnancy - funny! [01845] Medicine On Line


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[MOL] Advice column on pregnancy - funny!



> >Advice column about pregnancy....
> >
> >Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather
> >than briefs?
> >A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear
> >anything at all.
> >
> >Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
> >A. Have sex once a year.
> >
> >Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
> >A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
> >
> >Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative.  What if
> >my  baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
> >A. Then the jig is up.
> >
> >Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be
> >beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
> >A. Your therapist.
> >
> >Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
> >A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
> >
> >Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
> >A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
> >
> >Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes
> >for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is
> >this true?
> >A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
> >
> >Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have
> >grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
> >A. Yes, your bladder.
> >
> >Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at
> >night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
> >A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
> >
> >Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.  Why?
> >A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
> >
> >Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
> >borderline irrational.
> >A. So what's your question, dipshit?
> >
> >Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
> >A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
> >
> >Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on
> >labor?
> >A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
> >
> >Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a
> >Playboy centerfold?
> >A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
> >
> >Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
> >but pressure. Is she right?
> >A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
> >
> >Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
> >A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
> >
> >Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
> >is in labor?
> >A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
> >
> >Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in
> >that delicate position?
> >A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, oderlies,
> >photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
> >
> >Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
> >A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
> >
> >Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
> >A. In your breasts.
> >
> >Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
> >A. Yes, baby lips.
> >
> >Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
> >A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to
> >nurse.
> >
> >Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
> >A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra.  It beats boiling them in a
> >saucepan.
> >
> >Q. What are the terrible twos?
> >A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
> >
> >Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
> >A. When you see teeth marks.
> >
> >Q. What is the grasp reflex?
> >A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
> >
> >Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
> >A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and
> >puts him to sleep first.
> >
> >Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
> >A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global
> >chemical warfare.
> >
> >Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
> >A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
> >
> >Q. What causes baby blues?
> >A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
> >
> >Q. What is colic?
> >A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
> >
> >Q. What are night terrors?
> >A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant
> >again.
> >
> >Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
> >normal again?
> >A. When the kids are in college.