>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>From TIM FERGUSON in this morning's Sydney Morning Herald
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>And you call that a preamble?
>>>>>
>>>>>The Prime Minister and the poet have had their go. Now here's what they
>>>>>should have said.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>WE, the People of the broad, brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a
>>>>>free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional trannie. We come
from many
>>>>>lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and,
although we
>>>>>live in the best little country in the world, we reserve the right to
bitch
>>>>>and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
>>>>>
>>>>>We are One Nation but we're divided into many States. First, there's
>>>>>Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is
>>>>>the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte and grand final day. Its
>>>>>capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "livable".
>>>>>
>>>>>Next, there's NSW. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with
sugar,
>>>>>thin books read quickly and millions of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are
>>>>>Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the
left and
>>>>>right sides of their brains separate.
>>>>>
>>>>>Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family
>>>>>that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
>>>>>chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest
>>>>>faces.
>>>>>
>>>>>South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
>>>>>foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix, but lost it
>>>>>when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the
>>>>>wheel.
>>>>>
>>>>>Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this
document.
>>>>>
>>>>>The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
sheep
>>>>>stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big
smiles.
>>>>>Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few
of us
>>>>>live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
>>>>>
>>>>>And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a
document
>>>>>defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God
>>>>>probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a
mystery.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>We, the Lullaby League of Oz, are united, primarily by the Pacific
Highway,
>>>>>whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by
>>>>>murder.
>>>>>
>>>>>We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for
>>>>>praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials
tells us
>>>>>Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed
that a
>>>>>political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes
>>>>>and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Desirable, sure. But
fair?
>>>>>Not when you consider Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and run the
>>>>>bloody country. Not that we're whingeing.
>>>>>
>>>>>We've chucked out the concept of "fair go" in the downsized '90s.
Instead,
>>>>>we want to make "no worries" our national phrase. We love sport so
much our
>>>>>newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us
>>>>>who's winning, in the same breath.
>>>>>
>>>>>We treasure our politicians, who talk about listening with such
persistence
>>>>>it's hard to get a word in. We tolerate our Prime Minister, who is not
only
>>>>>short but a Methodist, hanging offences in decent countries. And we like
>>>>>watching Parliament on TV because Natasha Stott Despoja is a total
spunkrat.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>We, the wicked witches of the land of Oz, want to make it clear this
>>>>>continent is ours and always has been. Mind you, Liberal Party polling
shows
>>>>>that there were some people here before Captain Cook so we should address
>>>>>the issue once and for all. While possession is nine-tenths of the
law, our
>>>>>ancestors were fortunate enough to discover that genocide, cultural
>>>>>extinguishment, baby theft and flour poisoning make up the other tenth.
>>>>>
>>>>>So Oz is now ours and that's that. Our midget Methodist master says we
have
>>>>>no reason to feel sorry for killing more Aborigines per capita than the
>>>>>Nazis did Jews and Liberal Party polling says we're OK with that. Why
don't
>>>>>we say sorry? In the words of our PM - because, because, because,
because,
>>>>>because. Now, can we just drop the whole thing before the Olympics start?
>>>>>
>>>>>Phew, with that nasty bit out of the way, we the Brain, the Heart and the
>>>>>Nerve of Oz, want the world to know we have the biggest rock, the
tastiest
>>>>>pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. We don't know
>>>>>much about art but we know we hate the people who make it. We shoot, we
>>>>>vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we
might
>>>>>seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at least
we're
>>>>>better than the Kiwis.
>>>>>
>>>>>Now bugger off, we're sleeping.
>>>>>
>>>>>Tim Ferguson is the author of Left, Right & Centre, (Penguin), a
political
>>>>>satire.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>
>>>Dr Catherine Shannon
>>>76 Candlebark Rd
>>>Queanbeyan
>>>NSW 2620
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
