Dear Carla:
You had me rolling on the floor laughing with this one - it really
struck my funny bone...I read it aloud to a friend, and the tears were
streaming down my face with laughter. Thanks for the big upper...you
know laughter the best medicine. Love ya. Cori.
Carla wrote:
>
>
> My Birthday Gift
>
> My Exercise Diary:
>
> For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private
> lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from
> when
> I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a
> good idea
> to go ahead and try it.
>
> I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she
> is a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My
> wife
> seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They
> suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.
>
> Day 1
> Started the morning at 6:00AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I
> arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's
> something
> of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed
> me the
> machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She
> seemed a
> little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to
> her in
> that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the
> aerobics
> class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut
> was already
> aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to
> her. This
> is going to be GREAT.
>
> Day 2
> Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.
> Tanya had me lie on by back and push this heavy iron bar up into the
> air. Then
> she put weights on it, for heaven's sake. Legs were a little wobbly on
> the
> treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all
> worthwhile.
> Muscles All feel GREAT.
>
> Day 3
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the
> counter
> and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have
> developed
> a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
> steer. I
> parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me
> and said
> my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt
> my chest
> so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to
> simulate an
> activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told
> me
> regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything
> worse.
>
> Day 4
> Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I
> can't help it if I was half an hour late. It took me that long just to
> tie my
> shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word
> "dumb"
> must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent
> Lars
> looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It
> sank.
>
> Day 5
> I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human
> being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body
> not in
> extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good
> idea
> to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you, Tanya, I don't have
> triceps.
> And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I
> refuse
> to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school,
> YOU are
> to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which
> hurt
> like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music
> teacher,
> or social studies?
>
> Day 6
> Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I
> lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight
> hours of the weather channel.
>
> Day 7
> Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my
> wife will give my something a little more fun, like a gift certificate
> for a
> root canal.
>
> Author unknown
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