[MOL] FW: IRS [01311] Medicine On Line


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[MOL] FW: IRS



Title: FW: IRS

Vince:  Thanks.  This was great!  Kath

-----Original Message-----
From: Vince Main [mailto:vmain@boisestate.edu]
Sent: Monday, March 22, 1999 8:31 AM
To: Nancy Harvey; pam at work; Kathy Corrigan; FATBOY95@micron.net;
jwilliam@micron.net; lesb@micron.net; mminor@micron.net;
redford@micron.net; craig.mauck@midata.com; whiteh2o@worldnet.att.net
Subject: IRS



> This is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the
>
> midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions,
>
> and credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself.
>
>
> Dear Sirs:
>
>
> I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
>
> dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have
>
> questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil
&
>
>
> expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my
>
> responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to
>
> care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over
>
> the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and
>
> reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!
>
>
> The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you
>
> put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions
>
> about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed
>
> to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should
be
>
>
> a breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that
>
> you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that
>
> over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so
>
> you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of
>
> Defense
>
> funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.
>
>
> Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the
>
> wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
>
> occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of
>
> overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am
>
> quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest
that
>
>
> you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the
> problem.
>
>
> Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
>
> little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself
>
> one day if you do not incarcerate him first.
>
> In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer
who
>
>
> was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the
>
> future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden,
>
> UT?
>
>
> Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple.
>
> Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it.
>
> You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school
after
>
>
> instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with
>
> the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
>
> hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
>
> peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
>
> unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles,
>
> or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of
>
> unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
>
> >
>
> Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
>
> magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She
>
> came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
>
> sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be
>
> raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading
courses.
>
>
> Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You
>
> can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are
>
> denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other
>
> two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror.
>
>
> She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious
>
> patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
>
> hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her
to
>
>
> a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a
>
> refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards,
>
> pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
>
> fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
handle
>
>
> it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of "nests" in her
>
> room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than
> find
>
> out what it is really made of.
>
>
> You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick
>
> which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go
>
> bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two
>
> oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a
>
> teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about
putting
>
>
> Patrick in a military academy.
>
>
> Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already
>
> increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax
> and
>
> to make a down payment on an airplane.
>
> >
>
> Yours Truly,
>
>
> Bob