>A friend sent this riddle to me.
>When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten students got the answer.
>Only 17% of Stanford University seniors got it right.
>It's pretty simple, but true:
> What is greater than God,
>More evil than the devil,
>The poor have seen it,
>The rich need it,
>And if you eat it, you'll die?
> Give up?
>Then scroll down.
> The answer is...
THE 23RD CHANNEL
>The TV is my shepherd,
>I shall not want,
>It makes me to lie down on the sofa.
>It leads me away from the faith.
>It destroys my soul.
>It leads me in the path of sex and violence for the
> sponsor's sake.
>Yeah, though I walk in the shadow of Christian
> responsibilities, there will be no interruption,
> for the TV is with me.
>Its'cable and remote control, they comfort me.
>It prepares a commercial for me in the presence of
> my worldliness.
>It anoints my head with humanism and consumerism,
> my coveting runneth over.
>Surely, laziness and ignorance shall follow me all
> the days of my life,
>and I shall dwell in the house watching TV forever.
Irish Golfer And The Leprachaun
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to
the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately,
it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy
with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right
beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds
to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair
and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad
I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well,
he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me,
so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three
things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money,
a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing
on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits
one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball.
When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and
asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask
how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might
I ask how your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in
my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you.
And might I ask how your sex life is?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says,
"Well, maybe once or twice a week."
Surprised the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week????"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says,
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
If sex is a pain in the ass.....
You're doing it wrong.
Always borrow money from a pessimist.....
he doesn't expect to get it back anyway.
If I can be of any help.....
you're in worse shape then I thought.
When the chips are down.....
the buffalo is empty.
I want to be just like Barbie.....
that Bitch has EVERYTHING!!!!!
Never raise your hands to your kids.....
it leaves your groin uncovered.
Missing your cat???
Try looking under my tires.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying.....
"No hard feelings"
If at first you don't succeed.....
Blame someone else and demand counseling.
We have enough youth.....
how 'bout a fountain of smart???
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
If you drop a quarter in San Francisco.....
kick it to San Jose before you pick it up.
Learn from your parent's mistakes:
Use birth control.
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo
are at an International Summit meeting in Paris.
They go to a restaurant, and the waiter asks
" L'apperitif?" All of them answer "Oui!"
The waiter looks at Zedillo. "Le tequila?"
The waiter looks at Yeltsin. "Le vodka?"
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton. " Le whisky?"
Clinton: "DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH"
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your problem?!"
Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in
the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the third grade!"
The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the
principal's office and explained Johnnie's request.
While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the
situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher
that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer
any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade
The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The principal
told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third
grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The
principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnnie can
go on to the third grade."
The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual
wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let *me* ask him some questions
before we make that decision?"
The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his
The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I
have only 2 of?"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie 's
expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the
last two questions myself!"