Jo - your jokes are just what the doctor ordered - they are great. Thanks for
ending my day with a real chuckle !!! Love. Cori.
Jo Ciaramitaro wrote:
> DATING RULES
>
> When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's
> father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his
> daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a
> good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when
> gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
>
> Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly
> persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my
> daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living
> room and they'll stay wilted all night.
>
> As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone
> tablets that I have on display in my living room.
>
> Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
> delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything
> up.
>
> Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance
> at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you
> cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove
> them.
>
> Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of
> your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be
> falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you
> and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
> and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may
> come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes
> too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your
> clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my
> daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers
> securely in place around your waist.
>
> Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
> utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
> elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
>
> Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk
> about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do
> this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when
> you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
> word I need from you on this subject is "early."
>
> Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
> opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it
> is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my
> little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is
> finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
>
> Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter
> to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If
> you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My
> daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than
> painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why
> don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
>
> Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with
> my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
> than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or
> nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where
> there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
> temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
> tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and
> a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
> romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature
> chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
>
> My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me
> attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from
> memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for
> crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these
> cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't
> remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I
> merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball
> point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set
> was probably a better alternative.
>
> One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be
> suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go
> up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I
> figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked
> me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that
> age?" she challenged.
>
> Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple
> rules?
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