[MOL] DATING RULES [03464] Medicine On Line

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When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's
father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his
daughter's chest.  He would open the door and immediately affect a
good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when
gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad.  Remembering how unfairly
persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my
daughter's suitors feel even worse.  My motto:  wilt them in the living
room and they'll stay wilted all night.

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone
tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One:  If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything

Rule Two:  You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance
at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you
cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove

Rule Three:  I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of
your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be
falling off their hips.  Please don't take this as an insult, but you
and all of your friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:  You may
come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes
too big, and I will not object.  However, In order to assure that your
clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my
daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four:  I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.  Let me
elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five:  In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk
about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do
this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when
you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:  I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it
is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my
little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is
finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven:  As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter
to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If
you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My
daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why
don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:  The following places are not appropriate for a date with
my daughter:  Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
than a wooden stool.  Places where there are no parents, policemen, or
nuns within eyesight.  Places where there is darkness. Places where
there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient
temperature is warm  enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and
a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature
chainsaws are okay.  Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me
attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from
memory.  I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for
crying out loud!  And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these
cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't
remember them.  (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.)  I
merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball
point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set
was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be
suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go
up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I
figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked
me why I was being so hard on the boy.  "Don't you remember being that
age?"  she challenged.

Of course I remember.  Why do you think I came up with the eight simple
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