[MOL] for those w/little kids [00560] Medicine On Line

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[MOL] for those w/little kids

I thought this was a hoot -- hope it gives you a giggle! love, Joicy

(The Biblical form of 'lamentations' is parodied, as a father
> laments various duties and practices of parenting young children, such
> as
> preventing food from being eaten in the living room, and avoiding him
> during
> his wrathful tax preparation.)
> Full Text COPYRIGHT 1997 Atlantic Monthly Company
> Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all
> foods
> that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.
> Of
> the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not
> in
> the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you
> may
> eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and
> of
> the
> wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color
> and
> unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the
> quiescently
> frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but
> absolutely
> not in the living room. Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of
> those
> in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may
> you
> carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living
> room
> carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither
> may
> you
> drink.
> But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may
> you
> eat in the living room.
> Laws When at Table
> And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a
> greater
> person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were.
> Neither
> raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an
> abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to
> show,
> your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke. Drink
> your
> milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor
> knife,
> nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your
> blocks
> in
> the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away. When you have drunk,
> let
> the
> empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge
> and
> by
> your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding
> like
> a
> duck; for you will be sent away.
> When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have
> swallowed,
> and
> do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say
> to
> you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to
> you.
> Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the
> table
> between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I
> say
> again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is. And though your
> stick
> of
> carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table,
> even
> in
> pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of
> broccoli
> are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest,
> because
> we do not do that, that is why. Sit just as I have told you, and do not
> lean
> to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.
> Heed
> me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now
> behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
> Laws Pertaining to Dessert
> For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is
> clean,
> saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. But of
> the
> unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat,
> and
> two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three
> peas
> each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also
> eaten
> enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I
> can
> see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of
> peas,
> and
> yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you
> eat
> the
> peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no,
> not
> even
> a small portion thereof. And if you try to deceive by moving the
> potatoes
> or
> peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have
> not,
> you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no
> dessert.
> On Screaming
> Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given
> a
> plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are
> touching
> each
> other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the
> offense
> with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only
> remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the
> fault.
> Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of
> herbal
> seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is
> loathsome
> to
> you, and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming.
> Though
> the
> vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that
> sound
> from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers
> to
> your nose. For even now I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I
> eat
> of
> it myself, yet do not die.
> Concerning Face and Hands
> Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the
> hills,
> that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even
> to
> the
> very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast pocket
> of
> your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments
> are
> distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still; hold
> still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof,
> and
> also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must
> be;
> and you shall not go hence until I have done.
> Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
> Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own
> bath
> water, nor of bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even
> if
> it
> be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, nor against any
> building;
> nor eat sand.
> Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so
> afflict
> it
> with tape? And hum not that humming in your nose as I read, nor stand
> between
> the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget
> what
> I said about the tape.
> Complaints and Lamentations
> O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must
> do,
> you
> argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I do not
> accede,
> you cry out, and hit and kick. Yes, and even sometimes do you spit, and
> shout
> "stupid-head" and other blasphemies, and hit and kick the wall and the
> molding
> thereof when you are sent to the corner. And though the law teaches that
> no
> one shall be sent to the corner for more minutes than he has years of
> age,
> yet
> I would leave you there all day, so mighty am I in anger. But upon being
> sent
> to the corner you ask straightaway, "Can I come out?" and I reply, "No,
> you
> may not come out." And again you ask, and again I give the same reply.
> But
> when you ask again a third time, then you may come out.
> Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay again,
> even
> to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount higher than
> before.
> For our health, that we may be covered, I give six hundred and twenty
> talents
> twelve times in a year; but even this covers not the fifteen hundred
> deductible for each member of the family within a calendar year. And yet
> for
> ordinary visits we still are not covered, nor for many medicines, nor
> for
> the
> teeth within our mouths. Guess not at what rage is in my mind, for
> surely
> you
> cannot know.
> For I will come to you at the first of the month and at the fifteenth of
> the
> month with the bills and a great whining and moan. And when the month of
> taxes
> comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and mourn with wine
> and
> ashtrays, and rend my receipts. And you shall remember that I am that I
> am:
> before, after, and until you are twenty-one. Hear me then, and avoid me
> in
> my
> wrath, O children of me.
>                                 -- End --
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