Vincent van Gogh's dizzy sister
His uncle, the magician
His obnoxious brother
His nephew who drove a stagecoach
Wells Far Gogh
His great-great-niece, the RV dealer
Winnie Bay Gogh
The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia...
The brother who ate prunes ...
The uncle who worked at a convenience store ...
Stop N. Gogh
The cousin who moved to Illinois ...
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed:
Gates of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read:
"Please use other entrance."
Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma,
says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the
of person my dog thinks I am."
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to
said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer
arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't
a service today."
The farmer replied: "Heck, even if one cow shows up at feeding time, I
A man shopping in a supermarket brought his purchase of two cans of dog
to the checkout counter.
The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have a dog?"
"Yes." replied the man.
"Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.
"I left him home." he answered.
"Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the
dog. That's the rules."
The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the
"Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier.
"Yes," he said, "but I left him home."
"Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food.
That's the rules."
The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He
up to the cashier and said, "Here. Put your hand in here."
The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?"
The man replied, "I'd like three rolls of toilet paper!"
A girl was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the
police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was amongst the
group. The police had all the prostitutes line up in a straight line.
Along comes the grandma and sees her grand-daughter. Grandma asks her
grand-daughter, "What are you lining up for."
Grand-daughter, not willing to let her grandma know the truth told her
grandma that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was
lining up for some. Grandma wanted some oranges too, so she went to the
back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for
information from the prostitutes. When he got to the grandma, he was
bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take off my dentures and suck
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to
purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give
smile, and a "Thanks for flying United airline." He said that in light
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while
the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE 80'S IF:
- You know what a "burnout" is.
- You know what "Sike" means.
- You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
- You know that another name for a keyboard is a"Synthesizer".
- You wanted to be a Goonie.
- You know who Max Headroom is.
- You ever wore flourescent, neon if you will, clothing.
- You could breakdance, or wish you could.
- You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
- Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
- You wanted to be on StarSearch.
- You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell
-You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone
- You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout".
- You HAD to have your MTV
- You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future".
- You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
- You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
- You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
- You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince".
- You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
- You own any cassettes.
- You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the
- You remember And/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from Pizza
- Or any other stupid collection they came out with.
- Poltergeist freaked you out.
- You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
- You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
- You know what a Doozer is.
- You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or
someone who did.
- You ever had a Swatch Watch.
- You can name 1/2 the members of Duran Duran
- You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
- You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
- You know what a "Whammee" is.
- You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.
If you can identify with at least half of this list then you are most
certainly a product of the 80's!
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned
for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You
have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know
"What dear?" She asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life. She cut her hair
dyed it brown, and set off for a drive. She wanted to do random acts of
kindness to see if it would change her life. While driving through the
countryside, she came across a farmer who was trying to get his sheep
the road. She stopped her car and waved the farmer across, thinking this
would be her first good deed.
After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer, "Your
are so cute. If I guess how many there are, could I have one?"
The farmer thought it would be impossible and told the blonde, "Yes."
"637," said the blonde.
The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact number, so he
lived up to his bargain.
"I'll take that feisty one over there," said the blonde.
Then the farmer said to the blonde, "Okay, now if I guess the real color
your hair, can I have my dog back???"
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