Re: [MOL] Marital Compromises and values [13325] Medicine On Line


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Re: [MOL] Marital Compromises and values



Christine,
I bought them & then didn't read them, but there are some books out there
now on how to raise children when you're a child of an alcoholic, how to
keep from repeating the pattern.  Very interesting.  I can give you soem
titles, if you're interested.  I think one of the main ways to keep from
repeating the pattern, though, is to make ourselves well.  I am very
grateful that you, too, were able to pull out of your bad situations.  We
were so very lucky.  When I was in that bad 8-yr., love/hate type of
relationship, a friend told me I couldn't find happiness until I'd "paid
my dues."  I remember thinking, "What do you mean? I already paid my dues
as a child - I haven't paid *enough*!?"  But I guess I still had more to
learn.  I'm sure glad God doesn't throw all of this at me all at once!
LOL 
-Jean

On Wed, 29 Jul 1998 09:13:49 -0400 Christine <abcwacct@mail.cycor.ca>
writes:
>I too have seen my past in both of your postings. It is nice to be 
>able to
>share these things with people who understand. My first true love took
>drugs. We were in our teens and many kids were experimenting. After 
>two
>years, I dumped him and ended up with a boyfriend who drank. After two
>years again, I dumped him and have been on the right track ever since. 
>I
>definitely would not want my children to live these destructive 
>patterns.
>Christine
>
>At 10:58 PM 28/07/98 -0400, you wrote:
>>Jean, have I told you how much I appreciate your sharing as you do? I
>>see a lot of my own past in many of your postings, but girlfriend, 
>look
>>at us now!!! we're living proof that people can change and break
>>distructive patterns. my prayer is that we can break the pattrns for 
>our
>>children, and their children...Love, joicy
>>
>>Thomas A Johnson wrote:
>>> 
>>> Joicy,
>>> You're absolutely right!  And we tend to repeat the patterns with 
>which
>>> we grew up.  My very first meaningful relationship was with a guy 
>who
>>> sometimes got drunk (scared the heck out of me once!), took pot, 
>and was
>>> a workaholic - similar to my dad (only dad didn't do pot).  I 
>didn't do
>>> drugs, drink, or work too much.  And I was so used to being pushed 
>away
>>> by my dad and having to fight for love and attention that I sought 
>out
>>> someone who did the same thing to me.  He was my very first sexual
>>> relationship, too (in my 20's!).  We had a true love/hate, on 
>again/off
>>> again relationship because I swore to myself I would not fail at 
>marriage
>>> (love) like my parents had, that I would love someone no matter 
>what -
>>> just like in the romance novels, just like in the movies, etc.   
>Big
>>> mistake.  When looking for real love, it's important to look for
>>> compatibility, mutual respect, security, laughter, the same values 
>that
>>> are dear to you, etc.   It's also important to realize that two 
>people
>>> can be nice and have a strong attraction for each other, but they 
>can
>>> still be incompatible and no amoung of wishing will change that,
>>> especially if the other person doesn't want to change.  And I was
>>> insecure, jealous, etc. - just waiting, I guess, for him to let me 
>down,
>>> as everyone else in my life had let me down before - to prove again 
>that
>>> I was unworthy of real love, because I couldn't accept my worth 
>myself.
>>> Fortunately, I learned through the counseling that (1) I am worthy, 
>and
>>> (2) I shouldn't accept less than the above - and I finally found 
>such a
>>> guy.  He'll never be the Lonthario (sp?) I always read about in 
>romance
>>> novels (he grew up in an emotionally restrained type of home), but 
>he
>>> loves me and he'll be there to support me, laugh with me, cry with 
>me,
>>> etc., every day.  And he can tell me that he loves me and mean it, 
>unlike
>>> the old boyfriend who was always wishing he had the type of girl 
>he'd
>>> once lost.  That counts for a lot.  After my first boyfriend lost 
>me,
>>> oddly enough he regretted it and began trying to find someone else 
>like
>>> me, so the pattern continued with him, huh?  Sort of stresses the 
>glass
>>> full vs. glass empty theory, huh?  Release what you don't have and
>>> treasure what you do have.  People who don't, lead emptier lives.  
>True
>>> love is not always trying to change the other person to be 
>something
>>> you'd wish them to be.
>>> -Jean
>>> P.S. to Joicy:  You're right.  After you've travelled a rough road, 
>it is
>>> extra important to count your blessings and be grateful you were 
>pulled
>>> out of those situations.  I've been rescued twice - at least - and 
>I am
>>> truly, truly grateful for it.  My mother still says it's a miracle 
>we
>>> survived the situation with dad.  And I thank God I got out of the
>>> relationship with my former boyfriend and didn't end up pregnant 
>like so
>>> many young women.  I was very fortunate that the women in my group
>>> therapy session convinced me to use protection.  For awhile, I just
>>> thought it couldn't happen to me and my boyfriend wouldn't tell me 
>any
>>> different.  I was truly fortunate.  I think God has watched over me 
>and
>>> protected me many, many a time during my life.
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