Re: [MOL] Marital Compromises and values [13264] Medicine On Line


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Re: [MOL] Marital Compromises and values



Joicy,
You're absolutely right!  And we tend to repeat the patterns with which
we grew up.  My very first meaningful relationship was with a guy who
sometimes got drunk (scared the heck out of me once!), took pot, and was
a workaholic - similar to my dad (only dad didn't do pot).  I didn't do
drugs, drink, or work too much.  And I was so used to being pushed away
by my dad and having to fight for love and attention that I sought out
someone who did the same thing to me.  He was my very first sexual
relationship, too (in my 20's!).  We had a true love/hate, on again/off
again relationship because I swore to myself I would not fail at marriage
(love) like my parents had, that I would love someone no matter what -
just like in the romance novels, just like in the movies, etc.   Big
mistake.  When looking for real love, it's important to look for
compatibility, mutual respect, security, laughter, the same values that
are dear to you, etc.   It's also important to realize that two people
can be nice and have a strong attraction for each other, but they can
still be incompatible and no amoung of wishing will change that,
especially if the other person doesn't want to change.  And I was
insecure, jealous, etc. - just waiting, I guess, for him to let me down,
as everyone else in my life had let me down before - to prove again that
I was unworthy of real love, because I couldn't accept my worth myself. 
Fortunately, I learned through the counseling that (1) I am worthy, and
(2) I shouldn't accept less than the above - and I finally found such a
guy.  He'll never be the Lonthario (sp?) I always read about in romance
novels (he grew up in an emotionally restrained type of home), but he
loves me and he'll be there to support me, laugh with me, cry with me,
etc., every day.  And he can tell me that he loves me and mean it, unlike
the old boyfriend who was always wishing he had the type of girl he'd
once lost.  That counts for a lot.  After my first boyfriend lost me,
oddly enough he regretted it and began trying to find someone else like
me, so the pattern continued with him, huh?  Sort of stresses the glass
full vs. glass empty theory, huh?  Release what you don't have and
treasure what you do have.  People who don't, lead emptier lives.  True
love is not always trying to change the other person to be something
you'd wish them to be.
-Jean
P.S. to Joicy:  You're right.  After you've travelled a rough road, it is
extra important to count your blessings and be grateful you were pulled
out of those situations.  I've been rescued twice - at least - and I am
truly, truly grateful for it.  My mother still says it's a miracle we
survived the situation with dad.  And I thank God I got out of the
relationship with my former boyfriend and didn't end up pregnant like so
many young women.  I was very fortunate that the women in my group
therapy session convinced me to use protection.  For awhile, I just
thought it couldn't happen to me and my boyfriend wouldn't tell me any
different.  I was truly fortunate.  I think God has watched over me and
protected me many, many a time during my life.

On Tue, 28 Jul 1998 20:42:06 -0400 Joicy Becker-Richards
<joicy@erols.com> writes:
>Marty and Ross, I appreciate your raising these issues...my first
>marriage  was absolute HELL, and I am amazed and appreciative every 
>day
>that I am now married to a a man who is gentle and caring. We never
>fight -- don't have to, because we're both grown-ups who trust each
>other, go the extra mile for each other, and aim for consensus on the
>"big" decisions, and give each other space on the little ones. When 
>you
>KNOW that this other person really wants the best for you, and you for
>him, you see everything differently, and normal annoying stuff is
>insignificant in contrast to incredible the kindnesses this person
>shows. 
>
>As I write this, this dear man is making me dinner. We are having our
>house painted and  Sunday I told him I would love to have it done in a
>colonial grey, like a particular house in Princeton that I have 
>admired
>for years. When he said he didn't really care for grey, I suggested we
>wait, then, until we found a color we both like. Soon after, he went 
>out
>to "run some errands," and came back with a few paint chips that had
>peeled off the house I like, and said, "let's do it, I think it will
>look nice." I melted and fell in love all over again! (And I do nice
>things for him, too, in case you're wondering! LOL)
>
>And Ross, you are so wise with your children! I have one in particular
>who tends to be headstrong, and I realized early that I better pick my
>battles. It's paid off big-time. "Don't sweat the small stuff" is
>wonderful advise for ALL relationships, really (love the book by the
>same name, and the 2nd one, "Don't sweat the small stuff for 
>families").
>
>But one of the problems is role models. If you've grown up in a
>disfunctional family (as many of us have), and/or you buy into tv and
>movie models of romance and family, you grow up thinking turmoil is 
>the
>way it's supposed to be -- that love is supposed to be painful, and
>fighting and abuse = passion, and possesiveness = love, etc. You live
>what you know, and it takes hard work to find alternatives. And the
>greatest tragedy is that all this pain can be prevented. Somehow we 
>have
>to change that. Love, Joicy
>
>Ross Ylitalo wrote:
>> 
>> Lil, Marty,
>> 
>> I'm enjoying your discussion, and my thought was not
>> only do these things hold true between spouses, but
>> between parents and children.
>> 
>> One way that I think I've matured emotionally, with the
>> help of Cancer, is now when I'm babysitting and find
>> the boys outside in their stocking feet, stomping through
>> mud-puddles, I'm a lot less apt to go on a rampage,
>> trying to teach weird concepts like normalcy to little boys.
>> One thing I hear myself saying, which I never heard
>> myself saying before, is "don't sweat the small stuff."
>> 
>> That little saying has brought me a lot of peace and
>> quiet.  I might someday start a philosophy, maybe
>> I'll call it "DOSEMFF" (Don't Sweat the Small Stuff.)
>> 
>> Ross
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