Re: [MOL] Marital Compromises and values [13255] Medicine On Line


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Re: [MOL] Marital Compromises and values



Marty and Ross, I appreciate your raising these issues...my first
marriage  was absolute HELL, and I am amazed and appreciative every day
that I am now married to a a man who is gentle and caring. We never
fight -- don't have to, because we're both grown-ups who trust each
other, go the extra mile for each other, and aim for consensus on the
"big" decisions, and give each other space on the little ones. When you
KNOW that this other person really wants the best for you, and you for
him, you see everything differently, and normal annoying stuff is
insignificant in contrast to incredible the kindnesses this person
shows. 

As I write this, this dear man is making me dinner. We are having our
house painted and  Sunday I told him I would love to have it done in a
colonial grey, like a particular house in Princeton that I have admired
for years. When he said he didn't really care for grey, I suggested we
wait, then, until we found a color we both like. Soon after, he went out
to "run some errands," and came back with a few paint chips that had
peeled off the house I like, and said, "let's do it, I think it will
look nice." I melted and fell in love all over again! (And I do nice
things for him, too, in case you're wondering! LOL)

And Ross, you are so wise with your children! I have one in particular
who tends to be headstrong, and I realized early that I better pick my
battles. It's paid off big-time. "Don't sweat the small stuff" is
wonderful advise for ALL relationships, really (love the book by the
same name, and the 2nd one, "Don't sweat the small stuff for families").

But one of the problems is role models. If you've grown up in a
disfunctional family (as many of us have), and/or you buy into tv and
movie models of romance and family, you grow up thinking turmoil is the
way it's supposed to be -- that love is supposed to be painful, and
fighting and abuse = passion, and possesiveness = love, etc. You live
what you know, and it takes hard work to find alternatives. And the
greatest tragedy is that all this pain can be prevented. Somehow we have
to change that. Love, Joicy

Ross Ylitalo wrote:
> 
> Lil, Marty,
> 
> I'm enjoying your discussion, and my thought was not
> only do these things hold true between spouses, but
> between parents and children.
> 
> One way that I think I've matured emotionally, with the
> help of Cancer, is now when I'm babysitting and find
> the boys outside in their stocking feet, stomping through
> mud-puddles, I'm a lot less apt to go on a rampage,
> trying to teach weird concepts like normalcy to little boys.
> One thing I hear myself saying, which I never heard
> myself saying before, is "don't sweat the small stuff."
> 
> That little saying has brought me a lot of peace and
> quiet.  I might someday start a philosophy, maybe
> I'll call it "DOSEMFF" (Don't Sweat the Small Stuff.)
> 
> Ross
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