RE: [MOL] How I am doing....really- Sheila

["Argila, June" <ARGILA@mail.telephonics.com>]

Sheila:

Hi, my name is June.  I have been watching the posts and just wanted to say I am sorry for you, but not your father.  I too am a friend of Bill's and that is where I get a lot of the strength I need to fight this terminal cancer that I have.  If you spent 10 years with Bill then you know we are not trying to be good people on this earth to end up in the ground.  We believe in a higher power, some choose to call him God as I do.  Your father was probably sitting right there with you watching the show only because he knew it was important to you.  Your father is in a much better place.  My mother died when I was 26 and the first year was the hardest, but I knew how to do it one day at a time.  My father ran away when I was 8, he is either dead or still running.  You had your father for a longer time and believe me he is at peace now.  What helped me the most was knowing my mother was around in spirit.  I had to change places in my mind with my mother and say, what would I want my daughter to be doing down there on earth.  The answer I felt in my heart was, I would want her to be happy and know that I am at peace.  I would want her to take care of herself and her remaining family.  I would want her to seek love by being the best she can be.  I would want her to cry for relief and laugh when she is happy, to get additional help if need be, but most of all I would want her to know that one day we will meet again as God intends.....

Love June

----------
From:   John & Sheila Lloyd[SMTP:tagteam@swbell.net]
Reply To:       mol-cancer@lists.meds.com
Sent:   Friday, July 24, 1998 6:09 AM
To:     mol-cancer@lists.meds.com
Subject:        [MOL] How I am doing....really

> Everyone,

I wanted to let you all know how I am doing.  I guess I am okay, I do not like
crying, and I want to be done grieving.  Yes, I know it has only been a little over
a week, and that I am not close to being done.  Last night a movie came on "My Name
is Bill W.",  I couldn't watch it.  My dad who was an alcholic and drank all through
my growing up was supposed to watch it with me, but he died before I could get a
copy.  So, I knew that if I watched it I would cry thinking he should be watching it
with me.  I have seen the movie, because I spent 10 years of my life being a friend
of Bill W.'s.  There are many things that I am grateful for, one of which is that my
dad died sober.  He never went to any meetings, but I would like to think that he
got something out of the changes that occured in me and my mom from going to
meetings.  I no longer go to meetings, nor do I think I am an alcholic, I got sober
when I was fifteen.  But that is a whole nother story.  LOL    I know this doesn't
have a lot to do with my grieving, sorry I got off track.

I am having a hard time realizing he is really gone.  I wish that we had more
time.  I want to turn back the clock and make things different.  I know this isn't
reality.  The reality is I lost my father.  And of course it hurts.  I have never
really lost anyone close to me before, at least not as an adult.  I am at a lost of
what I am supposed to do, and how it is supposed to feel.   How long will I have no
energy, how long till it doesn't hurt anymore?   I know you all can't answer my
questions, and that it is different for everyone.  I just don't know if I am doing
it right?????   My perfectionism is coming out full force, like I can actually
grieve wrong.  Anyway, maybe I am writing this more for myself than for you all.
Guess I have rambled on enough for now.  I love you guys and thanks a million for
letting me vent.

Sheila

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