Re: [MOL] How I am doing....really [12852] Medicine On Line


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Re: [MOL] How I am doing....really



Sheila,
I'm not sure you can grieve wrong.  The wrong thing would be to deny
what's happening and keep your feelings all bottled up.  You're not doing
that.  That's good.  Remember that you're not only grieving for just your
dad, but also for what might have been.  I don't know how long your
grieving will last.  As you said, everyone is different.  That site I
sent had some info. on how people grieve, how long it'll last, etc.  Look
up "GriefNet," too.  It's a site especially for people who have lost
loved ones.  It might be helpful to you right now.  There might be a link
on that other site I sent you.

Don't expect your grieving to be over in a matter of months.  Remember
that you'll grieve a little bit more at every holiday that passes during
the next year, at every moment that arises that you used to share
together,  at the mention of his name.  But understand that you are
healing with all of this and your pain will lessen as time goes by.  The
anguish and ache will be replaced with more and more feelings of
tenderness and appreciation for what you once had (and still have in your
heart).  Now that I've moved past all of the bitter ache of losing my dad
(quite a long time ago)  - what he was and what I wished I'd had - I like
to think sometime that he's there looking down on me and he's wishing the
best for me.  Despite his problems, he loved me and would want me to heal
and live my life to the fullest.  I believe your dad would want the same
thing for you - and it *will* come in time.  But accept that you have
every right to mourn him for as long as you feel it's necessary.  He was
a big part of your life and it's only natural to miss him terribly.  

Keep expressing your feelings, keep a journal, talk to friends, pray.  As
long as you're letting it out, I think you're grieving in a very healthy
way.  But accept that  this isn't one of those things you get over
quickly.  This is one of those times where it is genuinely o.k. to be
hurting.  If you try to push all of the pain back inside again, it will
only come out again later.   Now is the time to experience the feelings
for however long it takes.  You don't have to be pulled-together.  You
don't have to be "in control."  Punch pillows when you're angry.  Cry all
night if you're feeling blue.  You have the right!  You had to keep your
feelings in a little bit while you were nursing your dad.  But now - this
is *your* time.  You don't have to wear any masks now.  You can finally
let go, feel your feelings, and express them.  

Check into that "GriefNet" or one of the other grief sites on the
internet, just as you sought cancer sites to help your dad.  You deserve
no less.  And keep talking to us, expressing your feelings.  We love you
and we'll do whatever we can to help.  But time will be the biggest
healer and time can't be rushed.  Accept, accept, accept....  God, grant
me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Just as
you - regrettably - cannot bring your wonderful dad back, you have no
control over how long it will take your heart to heal.  Just go with the
flow and accept that time heals.  Friends heal.  God heals.
Love,
Jean

On Fri, 24 Jul 1998 05:09:49 -0500 John & Sheila Lloyd
<tagteam@swbell.net> writes:
>> Everyone,
>
>I wanted to let you all know how I am doing.  I guess I am okay, I do 
>not like
>crying, and I want to be done grieving.  Yes, I know it has only been 
>a little over
>a week, and that I am not close to being done.  Last night a movie 
>came on "My Name
>is Bill W.",  I couldn't watch it.  My dad who was an alcholic and 
>drank all through
>my growing up was supposed to watch it with me, but he died before I 
>could get a
>copy.  So, I knew that if I watched it I would cry thinking he should 
>be watching it
>with me.  I have seen the movie, because I spent 10 years of my life 
>being a friend
>of Bill W.'s.  There are many things that I am grateful for, one of 
>which is that my
>dad died sober.  He never went to any meetings, but I would like to 
>think that he
>got something out of the changes that occured in me and my mom from 
>going to
>meetings.  I no longer go to meetings, nor do I think I am an 
>alcholic, I got sober
>when I was fifteen.  But that is a whole nother story.  LOL    I know 
>this doesn't
>have a lot to do with my grieving, sorry I got off track.
>
>I am having a hard time realizing he is really gone.  I wish that we 
>had had more
>time.  I want to turn back the clock and make things different.  I 
>know this isn't
>reality.  The reality is I lost my father.  And of course it hurts.  I 
>have never
>really lost anyone close to me before, at least not as an adult.  I am 
>at a lost of
>what I am supposed to do, and how it is supposed to feel.   How long 
>will I have no
>energy, how long till it doesn't hurt anymore?   I know you all can't 
>answer my
>questions, and that it is different for everyone.  I just don't know 
>if I am doing
>it right?????   My perfectionism is coming out full force, like I can 
>actually
>grieve wrong.  Anyway, maybe I am writing this more for myself than 
>for you all.
>Guess I have rambled on enough for now.  I love you guys and thanks a 
>million for
>letting me vent.
>
>Sheila
>
>> 
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