[MOL] How I am doing....really [12849] Medicine On Line


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[MOL] How I am doing....really



> Everyone,

I wanted to let you all know how I am doing.  I guess I am okay, I do not like
crying, and I want to be done grieving.  Yes, I know it has only been a little over
a week, and that I am not close to being done.  Last night a movie came on "My Name
is Bill W.",  I couldn't watch it.  My dad who was an alcholic and drank all through
my growing up was supposed to watch it with me, but he died before I could get a
copy.  So, I knew that if I watched it I would cry thinking he should be watching it
with me.  I have seen the movie, because I spent 10 years of my life being a friend
of Bill W.'s.  There are many things that I am grateful for, one of which is that my
dad died sober.  He never went to any meetings, but I would like to think that he
got something out of the changes that occured in me and my mom from going to
meetings.  I no longer go to meetings, nor do I think I am an alcholic, I got sober
when I was fifteen.  But that is a whole nother story.  LOL    I know this doesn't
have a lot to do with my grieving, sorry I got off track.

I am having a hard time realizing he is really gone.  I wish that we had had more
time.  I want to turn back the clock and make things different.  I know this isn't
reality.  The reality is I lost my father.  And of course it hurts.  I have never
really lost anyone close to me before, at least not as an adult.  I am at a lost of
what I am supposed to do, and how it is supposed to feel.   How long will I have no
energy, how long till it doesn't hurt anymore?   I know you all can't answer my
questions, and that it is different for everyone.  I just don't know if I am doing
it right?????   My perfectionism is coming out full force, like I can actually
grieve wrong.  Anyway, maybe I am writing this more for myself than for you all.
Guess I have rambled on enough for now.  I love you guys and thanks a million for
letting me vent.

Sheila

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