Fw: [MOL] Susan/Sally/Susan/Sally pt 2 [04678]

By the way he provided the music at her funeral.

Will my days ever seem normal again.

Normal is a broad term-------happy, fulfilling, yes-someday

hmmmmm....

Yeah, but i have to believe that for myself, so I repeat it to others as a mantra i am too superstitous to doubt or question.

Will I ever be able to be around my friends the way I used to be around them.

Probably not, but it does not mean that they are no longer your friends or that you cannot be around them.. Life is all about change and adapting to what it hurls at us. With a diagnosis of cancer the whole family's life is never the same.

Will I ever be able to answer questions regarding our welfare without wanting to cry.

Yes, because you have shown here you are a survivor.

I will never again have my companion with me in the innocence and ignorance of health.

Beautifully put, but not necessarily a negative. This can forge a bond between you others envy.

But..but..but....we had that already, we didn't have to have this for that. I just have to admit that.

I know, as I said, everyone commented on our perfect marriage and life-so why us????

A challenge can give you something other only wish for.

Yet, at the same time I can relate to that. We are able to deal with this in a way that will be a shinning example, because of the kind of person Bob is. And I guess, because of the kind of person I am too, if I can just polish up a little, or thanks to being able to talk with you and other Molers.

You don't need to polish up for us, sweetheart, you are seeing me warts and all. And I only have my brave face because of the inspiration of my courageous husband.

And we will never again assume a future like we once did. Will I ever be able to look into my families eyes without pain and fear and future grief and loneliness clouding them over.

It does not seem like it now, but, yes, when the time comes (and it may be a LONG time away) you will get through this pain. I feel it gives way to a deep peace that only working through the pain can give.

I beleive that, maybe not peace, but a kind of growth and confidence that comes from an experience lived through as best we could, with no dodging or avoiding. We can look back someday and know we really tried our best. It is sorta like the difference between having a baby in the hospital, thinking one had been through a childbirth class, but turning yourself over to nurses and doctors and being knocked out and the baby being in the nursery most of the day unless you "cribbed in"...As opposed to going through REAL child birth class with a midwife with your husband who is willing to bond and learn and be there with me (unlike the first jerk I was married to) and being taught to understand how to really breath and go through the pain of childbirth rather than trying to avoid the pain and dodge the pain and yes, there is that miracle of birth and that wonderful special baby; but with my last daughter's birth with a midwife and my husband right there, coming through that pain, breathing through it and managing it rather than it managing me was a real life lesson. And the specialness of that shared experience between myself and my husband seems like a blessed miracle, and we touch that moment every time our eyes meet over our daughter's head in that sentimental manner that happens when she says something cute, or is crying, or is skating, or so many moments..

Wow, I have no children but there is something you two share that NO MATTER WHAT, can never be taken away. I know that answer sucks, but it is true. What a beautiful moment.

I know that is no consolation, now, but it is a promise.

I will hold that for now.

For now it is all that we have

Will a beautiful day ever be beautiful for me again, without the contamination of Bob's cancer coloring it a strange, colorless, temperatureless gray. Sorta like slow frames in a dingy, soundless, old, out of time black and white gone speckly, shuddering film.

Yes, it is there in all it's splendor waiting for you, Bob, and your children.

That's true, I need to remember where we will all be some day. And this finite experience will be as a moment. So they say...

That's absolutely right in the big picture. However for us it can seem like a slo-mo agony.

How can I be a happy good mom. I know it sounds like I think Bob will die. And I know none of us know the day of our death. But cancer brings it home in a way that is what I now deal with, and other potential realities do not effect how I perceive this one.

Yes, I think eneyone on this board relates to this sentiment.

Being a young and early traveler on the path, I bow to my elders.

What do you mean by that last sentence...

Maybe others who have been dealing with this longer than me (our fears were confirmed Dec 22) can give you more insight on how to frame this into your life. I am too caught up in the day to day to comment on any other "perception" of the reality except a factual, analytical one. It is all I can afford, and that is no comfort. I bow to others here for that.... . For me, I am right there with what you say, and wish there was some other way to perceive it, some way that wouldn't be so brutal. I am not a pessimist, but I also feel like I cannot afford anything but a very honest look at my situation. Hence the comment of bowing to others who have sweeter words.

And it sounds like I am not appreciating the moment I have now with Bob. Well, I don't. It is not a happy time. It is bittersweet and poignant.

Is bittersweet and poignant not without some very honest and revealing moments you may never have otherwise?

Well, again, I sound petty, but Sally, we have those wonderful moments without death being the consequence, I would be willing to wait to share these particular ones till much later in life :( But I know you know that... and I guess you are saying that there are those uniquely special moments that are only available in this situation.. and I should appreciate them... and I do.... but I don't. Keep 'em... if you know what I mean.

Well, of course I do, but the situation is what it is. To resent it to the extent of ignoring something (even seemingly insignificant)that will be important or significant later is a mistake. I don't mean to say that if Charlie were to succumb, I would beat myself up for not examining every b.m. or kleenex for a hidden meaning. I just mean that I refuse to let this great big pile of shit obscure what we had-and we had it good, hell we had it great. We still do in many respects. And there is the irony. Why people like us who are happily married and in sync get the great cosmic monkeywrench? I wish I had something to say here that makes more sense. Why do we have to trade this for the possibilty of the consequence of death?

And I fear not appreciating it in comparison to not even having what I have now in the future. I do not like my life. And I have a commitment that forces me to stay here. Why keep trying. I won't apologize for writing this, MOL tells me they are there for me no matter what. This is one of the whats. (And now I want to say I'm sorry for being a downer.)

Don't ever apologize for venting. We should ask Bob C. to put that in our bylaws!! Keep trying for YOURSELF, Bob and your family.

I love you and am there for you

Thank you and that means alot to me, I always read and relate or enjoy or care about what you say. Thank you for caring about me.

Everyone on this board cares about you, too.

Sally

PS Please don't take this as arguementative...going thru your letter point by point.

You know I love it:)

Great, cause I am doing it again!! Hope you stay up late enough to read it-ha ha

I am just trying to look at all the angles of a very difficult situation and give you some of my deepest thoughts

And I really like that, the real way you related to me on what I wrote. I know I say it so much, but thank you for the effort.

Well, every time my husband walks past the doorway, or says something to me I jump with huge guilt cause he wants me to finish the mess I started in the middle of the family room floor with papers I have strewn from one end to the other, and am now back on the computer. I doesn't like me doing this when he worries about overdue bills. So I just yelled at him to leave me alone. Real nice and loving, yeah sure, I treasure and will miss the guy, then why did I just fuss at him out of my guilt. What a hypocrite!! Well, I will do say I'm sorry and try to make progress on those bills.

Ah, those bills. Around my house, Charlie took care of those as well as being the major breadwinner. So I tread the line of financial tightrope and not wanting him to worry, so I make light of it. All the utility co's and the credit card have seen it in their weasly little hearts to give me a slight bit of leeway. But with no projected employment in sight and having to stay home with him,and not work myself, alas, this is a touchy and scary subject around our household as well. The self-employed really suffer in these situations. And most of my income when I was working was dependent on him working (Catch-22). And don't beat yourself up over the stressful outburst, I will bet he (Bob) has had those, too-Charlie has, they are just with pen and paper instead of voice. So where am I but at the computer?? And April 15th right around the corner.

Keep sending those prayers, they say prayer works, I have a strong faith, but I don't have much faith in prayer working for me.

Bye. You don't think this conversation is inappropriate for the MOL?

No, I would hope our honesty was appreciated. Fear, bills, doubts are all part and parcel of this bastard we know as cancer. Of course, if someone is offended, we can take this into a private arena....

Sally