Dear Carla,
I don't want to keep imposing on the system, but you are dear to
me and thank you for being there. Please let us be there for you
when you need us. I would really feel blessed to be able to be
there for you. And I know you are right about prayers, it is my
problem with self worth, not lacking on the part of God, eh. I
believe in the power of prayer for others. I just doubt it for
me. I thought he answered mine when he gave me Bob, we lived
through hard hard teenage years of 4 kids. And now that we have a
lovely 9 year old daughter.... years to finally maybe take a
vacation... be old and retired together ... He lets Bob be taken
away from me... I know I sound like Bob has already died... uh oh
... I digress back into my funk, and all the sweet messages were
helping me come out of it, I will pull my self back from going
there. I don't want their efforts to go to waste. and who knows,
maybe noni isn't "baloni" :) ...I need to remember
all the blessings he has provided for us, all the blessings that
await us. And He did give me Bob, so I need to appreciate what I
had with Bob. Many women go through their life doubting there is
even that kind of relationship available. I am thankful. And I do
have a really fabulous 9 year old. And the older kids get better
and better year by year. Actually, I am blessed. Also, I have the
cutest, sweetest, little white American Eskimo dog. Poor boy, he
just got his summer haircut, he looks really silly, when you are
used to the little guy looking lovely with his beautiful, full
white coat and full ruff, and fluffy tail. I am a dog groomer, so
I tried to leave a little fullness around the head and neck, not
much, but then went very short on body and tail. Well, doesn't
quite
work in my opinion. He looks okay, but his head and neck don't
match
his body, too big a head on too small a body, he looks stupid,
poor
little guy, and I think he knows it. But I lie to him big time.
Here's why.
One day at Petsmart, a lady brought her little Pomeranian in, and
told
us to shave it cause its coat had gotten badly matted. When a
dog's coat
is allowed to stay matted, it actually becomes dangerous for the
dog.
The mat, especially if it gets wet in the weather or is washed
without
being brushed out, and ESPECIALLY it getting wet occurs more than
once, the coat weaves tighter and tighter and closer and closer
to the skin. Sometimes the matting gets so dense right up against
the skin, it becomes actually dangerous to have the dog shaved
(but its
dangerous not to shave it), you better hope you have
a good groomer if it gets that serious (sometimes the
owner just doesn't realize what is happening)
cause many dogs have been sliced cause the blades on the power
shears can barely get between the skin and matting and it is very
hard NOT to cut the dog. (and then there are owners that let it
happen more than once, and those are the owners we wish we could
say "Sorry, once you let this happen, still your dog, second time
you let this happen, NOT your dog, go home without poochie! And
what's really sad is, sorry... this is gross, the matting gets so
bad that when we get under the mats there are maggots, sores,
infected grown in ticks, etc. And the owner didn't even know it
from the appearance of the outer coat. Not sure I completely
believe that... but when it happens more than once for the same
dog, eeeuuuuwwww... Anyway, why I am giving you 101 on dog shave
downs? Back to the Pom, the lady had a badly matted dog, but not
dangerously matted, still, we had to cut it very short. A little
Pom with hair the length of a boxer, hmmm. When she picked up her
dog, (dogs many times come out really proud and prancing cause
good groomers just flatter them like crazy while they get
"beautified"), so little Pommy came prancing out practically
naked except for the bows on her ears, and the owner burst out
laughing, the little dog tilted her head, then down came head and
tail and she ran under the desk and would not come out. The lady
admitted to us latter that it took her DAYS to get the little
shamed pooch to come out from back of the water bed. We try to
warn owners they have to compliment their dogs when they have a
haircut, or they may have to put food under their beds for a
week. They look at us like we must take our poodles to a dog
psychiatrist, but it really is true, those silly little dogs are
more vain than I am about hair cuts. In fact, I have given my dog
more hair cuts than I have gotten for myself. G'NIGHT!
Susan
-----Original Message-----
From: ken naehring <blessu@worldnet.att.net>
To: mol-cancer@lists.meds.com <mol-cancer@lists.meds.com>
Date: Thursday, April 02, 1998 10:48 PM
Subject: [MOL] Re:
Susan,
My heart goes out to you my friend. All that you are feeling is
so real to so many and we have all felt this way at one time or
another,
whether we are the caregiver or the cancering survivor.
Of course this is the place to let your heart out to others and
to let yourself be ministered to. That is the beauty of this
forum,
there are times when we hurt, cry, laugh, and give direction and
assistance and in return when it is our time to need it, there is
someone else to
help us.You have helped others and we are here for you when you
need us
too. I wish I had the magic formula to help you and to make it
all go
away, I don't. What you are going through now will allow you to
grieve
and let it out and that will build strength in you again. I am
sad that
right now you are not feeling that your prayers are being heard,
because they
are my friend. I know you can believe in that and I know there
is
comfort in it when you do.
Don't be too hard on yourself right now. Find something that
you enjoy and give yourself a break. Go to a bookstore, or for a
walk in the
park, out to lunch with a friend... do something for you. I will
pray for
you and send a hug from me to you. Love, Carla
-----Original Message-----
From: Susan <grinders@grinders.com>
To: MOL <mol-cancer@lists.meds.com>
Date: Thursday, April 02, 1998 7:14 PM
For all my brave talk, I am feeling lonely and sad and
discouraged. There is that feeling, right under my sternum that
feels cold, scared, hot, broken and hurt all at the same time,
with every breath in and every breath out. My life will never be
the same. My daughter's life will never be the same. Will my
days ever seem normal again. Will I ever be able to be around my
friends the way I used to be around them. Will I ever be able to
answer questions regarding our welfare without wanting to cry. I
will never again have my companion with me in the innocence and
ignorance of health. And we will never again assume a future
like we once did. Will I ever be able to look into my families
eyes
without pain and fear and future grief and loneliness clouding
them over. Will a beautiful day ever be beautiful for me again,
without the contamination of Bob's cancer coloring it a strange,
colorless, temperatureless gray. Sorta like slow frames in a
dingy, soundless, old, out of time black and white gone speckly,
shuddering film. How can I be a happy good mom. I know it sounds
like I think Bob will die. And I know none of us know the day of
our death. But cancer brings it home in a way that is what I now
deal with, and other potential realities do not affect how I
perceive this one. And it sounds like I am not appreciating the
moment I have now with Bob. Well, I don't. It is not a happy
time. It is bittersweet and poignant. And I fear not
appreciating it in comparison to not even having what I have now
in the
future. I do not like my life. And I have a commitment that
forces me to stay here. Why keep trying. I won't apologize for
writing this, MOL tells me they are there for me no matter what.
This is one of the whats. (And now I want to say I'm sorry for
being a downer.)
Susan
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