>For all my brave talk, I am feeling lonely and sad
and >discouraged. There is that feeling, right under my sternum
that >feels cold, scared, hot, broken and hurt all at the same
time, >with every breath in and every breath out.
Yes, I know. Not being able to take a deep
breath. Fearing that life has changed so much that you will never take in
a deep, satisfying, (naive, damn it), breath.
My life will never be >the same.
I know-the caregivers think of this every waking
moment, don't we? We are gaining strength for what is ahead. And
this is true for everyone that Bob has touched.
My daughter's life will never be the same.
This is true- having just lost my mother prematurely
(well, to me anyway!) I can say this is life-changing. And sad, and
tragic. But nonetheless, the truth, and something to examine.
Will my days >ever seem normal again.
Normal is a broad term-------happy, fulfilling,
yes-someday
Will I ever be able to be around my >friends the way I used to be
around them.
Probably not, but it does not mean that they are no
longer your friends or that you cannot be around them.. Life is all about change
and adapting to what it hurls at us. With a diagnosis of cancer the whole
family's life is never the same.
Will I ever be able to >answer questions regarding our welfare
without wanting to cry.
Yes, because you have shown here you are a
survivor.
I >will never again have my companion with me in the innocence
and >ignorance of health.
Beautifully put, but not necessarily a negative.
This can forge a bond between you others envy. A challenge can give
you something other only wish for.
And we will never again assume a future like >we once did. Will I
ever be able to look into my families eyes >without pain and fear and
future grief and loneliness clouding >them over.
It does not seem like it now, but, yes, when the time
comes (and it may be a LONG time away)you will get through this pain. I
feel it gives way to a deep peace that only working through the pain can
give. I know that is no consolation, now, but it is a
promise.
Will a beautiful day ever be beautiful for me again, >without
the contamination of Bob's cancer coloring it a strange, >colorless,
temperatureless gray. Sorta like slow frames in a >dingy, soundless,
old, out of time black and white gone speckly, >shuddering
film.
Yes, it is there in all it's splendor waiting for you,
Bob, and your children.
How can I be a happy good mom. I know it sounds >like I think
Bob will die. And I know none of us know the day of >our death. But cancer
brings it home in a way that is what I now >deal with, and other
potential realities do not affect how I >perceive this one.
Yes, I think eneyone on this board relates to this
sentiment. Being a young and early traveler on the path, I bow to my
elders.
And it sounds like I am not appreciating the >moment I have now with
Bob. Well, I don't. It is not a happy >time. It is bittersweet and
poignant.
Is bittersweet and poignant not without some very
honest and revealing moments you may never have otherwise?
And I fear not appreciating >it in comparison to not even
having what I have now in the >future. I do not like my life. And I have a
commitment that >forces me to stay here. Why keep trying. I won't
apologize for >writing this, MOL tells me they are there for me no matter
what. >This is one of the whats. (And now I want to say I'm sorry
for >being a downer.)
Don't ever apologize for venting. We should ask
Bob C. to put that in our bylaws!! Keep trying for YOURSELF, Bob and your
family.
I love you and am there for you
Sally
PS Please don't take this as arguementative...going
thru your letter point by point. I am just trying to look at all the
angles of a very difficult situation and give you some of my deepest
thoughts
