*MOTHERHOOD* IT WILL CHANGE YOUR
LIFE....
Time is running our for my friend. We are
sitting at lunch when she casually mentions that she and her husband are
thinking of "starting a family". What she means is that her
biological clock is ticking and has begun its final
countdown.
"We're taking a
survey," she says, half joking. "Do you think I should have a
baby?" "It will change your life," I say carefully,
keeping my tone neutral. "I know," she says, "no more
sleeping in on the weekend, no more spontaneous
vacations..."
But that is
not what I meant at all. I look at my friend, trying to decide what to tell
her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I
want to tell her that the physical wounds of childbearing heal, but that
becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she
will be forever vulnerable.
I
consider warning her that she will never read a newspaper again without
asking "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash,
every fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children,
she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child
die.
I look at her carefully
manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how
sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive
level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!"
will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without
a
moment's hesitation.
I feel
I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her
career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might
arrange for child care, but one day she will be going into an important
business meeting and she will think about her baby's sweet smell.
She
will have to use every ounce of her discipline to keep from running home,
just to make sure her baby is all
right.
I want my friend to know
that everyday decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year
old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at
McDonalds will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of
clattering trays and screaming children, issues of
independence and
gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester
may be lurking in that restroom. However decisive she may be at the office,
she will second-guess herself constantly as a
mother.
Looking at my attractive
friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the lbs of
pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life,
now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That
she would give it up in a moment to save her
offspring, but will also
begin to hope for more years - not to accomplish her own dreams, but to
watch her child accomplish theirs. I want her to know that a cesarean scar
or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor.
My friend's relationship with
her husband will change, but not in the ways she thinks. I wish she could
understand how much more you can love a man who is always careful to powder
the baby or never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know
that she will fall in love with him
again for reasons she would now find
very unromantic.
I wish my
friend could sense the bond she'll feel with women throughout history who
have tried desperately to stop war and prejudice and drunk driving. I hope
she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become
temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's
future.
I want to describe to my
friend the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to
capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a
dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real,
it actually hurts.
My friend's
quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes.
"You'll never regret
it," I say finally. Then I reach across the
table, squeeze my
friend's hand, and offer a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all of
the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of
callings; the blessed gift of God and that of being a
Mother
