Hi Cindy,
I have brain cancer, and I think you and my wife could start a
support group for "significant others of cancering people."
Like you have been to Jim, my wife has been an invaluable
help in my cancer ordeal. My wife has always been along to
hold my hand and point me down the corridors of strange
hospitals, keeping me from straying into operating rooms
and such. I'd have been totally lost without her. I have often
said that I think my Doctors would have strangled me by now
if not for her to screw my head back on just before it falls
off.
She has repeatedly corrected the Doctors when they have
made small errors in medication scheduling and so forth.
Myself, it has taken most of my energy to follow her there
to the offices, and dumbly nod my head in agreement to
every question they have.
I hope I'm making myself clear, Cindy, I have leaned on
her presense and needed her so often. I would have been
a total wreck without her.
The other day, though, the situation was finally such that
I was "forced" to walk to the Doctors office alone for my
monthly checkup with the oncologist. Everything was
supposed to be so simple. My wife even wrote down all
the question I should ask, and all but pinned them to my
shirt. This was supposed to be routine.
When I got there though, the Doctor started asking questions
about my medications, using names other than the ones
that I was accustomed to using, and I was totally lost. I
said "we can call my wife." He worked around it, and we
didn't actually call her, but then he wrote out a lab order
for me to get my vincristine shot next week and some other
miscellaneous stuff like prescriptions.
When I got home, my wife so dissappointed in me because
the Lab order was written out by the OLD schedule!!! It
was ONE WHOLE DAY out of wack!!! No kidding, I'd
have missed it if it was written out for the wrong year.
However, there was one time during the visit, when I realized
that I was glad she wasn't along. Sometimes when I've asked
my Doctors about my prognosis, I've wondered if they were
inclined to put some icing on the cake for her sake. Because
she tends to worry a lot more than I do, I'd tend to be happy
with this and say to my wife later: "see...everything is just
fine and dandy!" I'd sometimes have this nagging feeling
that it would be nice to get a dirtier version of the truth from
a Doctor if it were possible, rather than the candy version.
So, as I was saying, here was my opportunity. Guess I still
got pretty much the same candy version answer, but I was
glad for the oportunity to press the doctor for any outside
chances that things might not work out as well as we are
hoping (doh.)
So I would not take it as a personal afront that Jim would like
to have a moment alone with his doctors. My wife and I are
very open with each other, but my love for her is such that it
prevented me from pressing in directions that I would like to
have done. While the names and places may be different, I
wouldn't at all be surprised if Jim's motives are generated out
of love for you.
Do you know that my wife is sometimes jealous of my time
spent here in MOL? She would like to be able to provide
all of the support and comfort that I find here. That makes
me feel sad. What should I do? Stop? I think some flexibility
is called for...we are all different and have slightly different needs.
They may appear kind of unimportant when we view them in
each other. Isn't it funny though that we can all relate to the
feeling of injury we feel when someone close to use informs
us that they feel our own needs are unimportant?
If you can, be glad that Jim is well enough to feel up to going
by himself. That in itself is a wonderful fortune.
Your friend,
Ross Ylitalo
raylital@mtu.edu
-----Original Message-----
From: Cindy Crowe <ccrowe@msn.com>
To: Medical On Line Forum <mol-cancer@lists.meds.com>
Date: Sunday, March 08, 1998 7:03 PM
Subject: [MOL] Just venting
>I've found myself extremely upset over something and, being the emotional
>type person I am, I decided to through it out to my experts (and I feel
that
>you are my friends, also) to see if I am being unreasonable or if I have
>just cause for having hurt feelings.
>
>As most of you know, my husband, Jim, has lung cancer. He has gone through
>16 times of radiation and 3 sessions of chemo (3days in a row, 3 weeks
>apart). I have been with him every step of the way, trying to be
supportive
>even on things I don't feel I should have to be.
>
>Jim had his first CT scan last Wed. to see what difference(s) there are in
>his tumors between when he was first diagnosed and where we are now
>(medically).
>
>I was all excited (and scared) to go with him to see his oncologist on
>Monday to see what she had to say about any changes (good or bad) that
might
>be showing up on his scan and his constant lab work.
>
>All of a sudden, he has decided that he doesn't want me to go and I feel as
>though he has just shut me out (yes, I am feeling sorry for myself). I
have
>seen him through everything he has had to endure since he was diagnosed.
>
>Has this happened to those of you that are caregivers and how did you feel?
>Am I just being a blubbering idiot?
>
>Do those of you who have cancer feel ever not want your significant others
>to share things like this with them and to keep your privacy between your
>dr. and you private?
>
>I don't know if I am blowing this out of proportion and would like your
>inputs. Please feel free to be blunt as that is what I am asking of you.
>
>
>Cindy Crowe
>ccrowe@msn.com
>
>
>
>
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