Amanda, you are indeed in a difficult place right now
as concerns your grandma. I know you will get much response to your letter
and I urge you to remember starting with mine, that opinions are the thoughts of
the owner and not a directive.
First of all determining the truth of where grandma is,
is imperative. Does she really not understand? Does she understand
the seriousness and as such has she made the decision to do this on her
terms? Does she need to be redirected with this, or has she truly made a
decision as to what she can and will live with? Is she one that cannot
live with direct facts, but instead needs to only face things that she feels she
can at the time that she can? I know all sorts of examples of this in my
own family just with my cancer and I have another friend here locally who I am
finding is different than I.
Let me tell you about me. I can't stand to feel
that I don't know everything! I must research and research and learn and
learn. It is my theory that ignorance is something that is unacceptable to
me in dealing with this cancering. My husband on the other hand, doesn't
hear half of what I tell him about my health condition and doesn't understand
alot of what I find and need to examine in my own journey. Now is that
because he is ignorant? No... It is the way that he deals with this.
My brother doesn't call anymore and when we do talk he asks how I am, but I
don't think he wants to know. Is that because he doesn't love me.? No..It
is the way that he deals with this. Yet Saturday he surprised me and
called and said that a woman who worked for him had just been scheduled for lung
surgery and could he give her my number to talk to her about it all. So
now I can be sure that he does know that I do have this...
My father has grown more tender and actually calls me
more and really wants to know what is going on with me.. Though he often does
this when my mother is gone. My mother asks how I am, but if I don't say
fine she is mad at me, because she can't understand why I just don't forget
about this and go on with my life...she would.
Our oldest that I was really close to and used to talk
with all of the time doesn't even call here once a month anymore and she is very
busy if and when my husband calls her. She never didn't ask to speak with
me and we would spend long times on the phone (long distance --$$$) and often
atleast 3 times a week. Now, I hear in her voice that she doesn't want to
know how I am....why because she doesn't want to think about the potential
loss. The youngest who is in college never had time to call and now she
calls 1-2 times a week and we talk for an hour and she emails a couple of times
a week.
I could go on and on and introduce you to my friends,
the people I go to church with etc., but I think you are understanding what I am
trying to tell you... Everyone is different in how they are going to deal
with this. Yes grandmas situation requires treatment, but it is grandmas
right to make that decision. So as a loving family, you need to be sure
that she understands what treatment is and means, but realize that she may
already know that and be choosing to live life on her terms.
So you also may have to allow her that freedom and right if this is the
case.
This is going to be harder for you all because you
can't go back and sit down and talk with her face to face and meet with the
doctors with her etc., but that is not necessary if she knows and has made a
decision. If she has and she chooses not to tell someone the truth about
her health, that is ok. She doesn't have to live as a cancer patient. Make the phone call and have a good
conversation with her. Ask her what you would like and tell her you love
her no matter what. Let her know that you ask these things out of love,
not because you are trying to get her to live her live according to
you...
Sounds like she may get a little of that from her own
daughter anyway...
Believe me, my own mother would never be a cancering
person like I am. She would tell no one that she has it, or you would
think it was only a little thing if she admitted to anything at all. I
don't think that she would have any treatment, but if she did she would never
tell you how it actually was going...it would be fine, or she wouldn't be having
it done. You would think that my mother was in denial, but the reality
would be that it would be how she chose to live her life. Inside she would
be hoping that it would just go away, but she would still feel better for doing
it this way and she would have much more quality out of her life..
Now your grandma isn't me, nor my mom, because we are
are unique individuals...but there may be some similarities as to general
personality type. Find out for sure that she is on firm ground, explain
whatever you think she might be missing, but then get ready to let her determine
what she wants to do from there.
I can already tell that you and your husband will be
supportive of grandma and will give her all that love that you have for
her. Pray for her and yourselves, my friends.. We are all looking
for His wisdom and a peace that surpasses all understanding. I will pray
for you too... Much love to you....
Carla
