Thank you, Liz!!!! You made my day -- she's such a pain! Love, Kathy
-----Original Message-----
From: Elizabeth Patterson <eapat@ewa.net>
To: mol-cancer@lists.meds.com <mol-cancer@lists.meds.com>
Date: Friday, December 25, 1998 10:38 PM
Subject: [MOL] Martha Stewart Joke
>Hi molers,
>I just got the following on another list. I thought you all might enjoy it.
>Liz
>
>There was no credit for this.
>
>Dear Santa,
>
>I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond
>earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only one one little
>thing, and I want it deeply.
>
>I want to slap Martha Stewart.
>
>Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything.
>Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek.
>
>I get all cozy inside just thinking about it.
>
>Don't grant this wish just for me. do it for thousands of women across
>the country.
>
>Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all.
>
>Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with
>gracious living.
>
>We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we
>stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.
>
>We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock
>dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of
>the furniture polish variety.
>
>We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric.
>Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with
it.
>
>OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with
>all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last
>week's USA Weekend.
>
>I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.
>
>We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only
>ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha
>Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it,
>she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow,
noted
>that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."
>
>Well lah-dee-dah.
>
>Imagine that, Santa. That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in
>which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot
>chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha.
>
>What next? The coffee maker?
>
>In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an
>entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And
>neatly put way, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that
>qualifies
>as "put away" in my house.
>
>Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends.
>"Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts.
>Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy
>about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with
such
>frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.
>
>She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s" and says
>her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron
>a monogram, how to fold a towel."
>
>I have one piece of advice, Martha: get new friends.
>
>Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek
>Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out
>for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed
>chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet
>bowel
>sanitation.
>
>Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential
>people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Thersa, Madeline Allbright
>and Maya Angelou, no doubt) The proof of Martha's influence: after she
>bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw
>me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone."
>
>I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.
>
>A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to roller
>blade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.
>
>This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's
>obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to roller
>blade. What a show off.
>
>If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her
>friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library.
It
>didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price
>friendship, right?
>
>When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me.
>I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers.
>You should listen to them."
>
>Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once
>the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an
>overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower
>your standards," says Martha.
>
>And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an
>"important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad,
tacky
>little lives.
>
>There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good
>smack, it's Martha Stewart.
>
>But I bet I won't get my gift this year.
>Shadow-
>
>
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