Liz, this was great! I was hee heeing all over the house. Thanks, your
friend, lillian
----------
> From: Elizabeth Patterson <eapat@ewa.net>
> To: mol-cancer@lists.meds.com
> Subject: [MOL] Martha Stewart Joke
> Date: Friday, December 25, 1998 11:06 PM
>
> Hi molers,
> I just got the following on another list. I thought you all might enjoy
it.
> Liz
>
> There was no credit for this.
>
> Dear Santa,
>
> I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond
> earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only one one little
> thing, and I want it deeply.
>
> I want to slap Martha Stewart.
>
> Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything.
> Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek.
>
> I get all cozy inside just thinking about it.
>
> Don't grant this wish just for me. do it for thousands of women across
> the country.
>
> Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all.
>
> Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with
> gracious living.
>
> We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we
> stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.
>
> We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock
> dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of
> the furniture polish variety.
>
> We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric.
> Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with
it.
>
> OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with
> all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last
> week's USA Weekend.
>
> I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.
>
> We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only
> ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha
> Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it,
> she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow,
noted
> that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."
>
> Well lah-dee-dah.
>
> Imagine that, Santa. That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in
> which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot
> chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha.
>
> What next? The coffee maker?
>
> In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an
> entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And
> neatly put way, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that
> qualifies
> as "put away" in my house.
>
> Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends.
> "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts.
> Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy
> about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with
such
> frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.
>
> She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s" and says
> her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron
> a monogram, how to fold a towel."
>
> I have one piece of advice, Martha: get new friends.
>
> Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek
> Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out
> for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed
> chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of
toilet
> bowel
> sanitation.
>
> Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential
> people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Thersa, Madeline Allbright
> and Maya Angelou, no doubt) The proof of Martha's influence: after she
> bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw
> me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone."
>
> I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.
>
> A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to roller
> blade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.
>
> This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's
> obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to roller
> blade. What a show off.
>
> If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her
> friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman
Library. It
> didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price
> friendship, right?
>
> When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me.
> I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy
teachers.
> You should listen to them."
>
> Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once
> the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an
> overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower
> your standards," says Martha.
>
> And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an
> "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad,
tacky
> little lives.
>
> There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good
> smack, it's Martha Stewart.
>
> But I bet I won't get my gift this year.
> Shadow-
>
>
>
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