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***Thanks to everyone who sent in mail for me regarding the recent death
of my grandmother. We were close, so her death is hard for my entire
family....but your letters have made me feel better. Although the viewing is
tomorrow and the funeral is monday, I thought I would take this little time to
send some Joke Mail~~I think I am addicted to making you smile! jeff
Joke Mail Quotes of the Day:
"If the government is wathcing over us, then who is watching over the
government?"
-----beaker
"Do not tell your problems to people: eighty percent do not care and the other
twenty percent are glad you have them."
-----Lou Holtz
"PMS stands for: Pummel Men Syndrome"
-----Rich S.
"You know I can only handle one person per day.
Today isn't your day, and tomorrow isn't lookin'
good either...
-----Bree
To submit your own Joke Mail Quote, please go to
http://www.vertigy.com/jokemail/quote.htm
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE HAVING A REAL BAD DAY WHEN:
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels
motorcyclists.
You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open
or your blouse unbuttoned.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
You put both contacts into the same eye.
Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks
awful.
The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees
your future.
People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your
age.
You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight
and
when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party
last night...... and there aren't any.
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Real Signs!
In a restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."
On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place to take a leak."
In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is
extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
graves."
On a roller coaster:
"Watch yo
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
On a chainsaw:
"Do not stop the chain with your hand."
On a clothes Iron:
"Do not iron clothes on your body."
In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee:
"Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In a Maine restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."
On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place to take a leak."
In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual lights
extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
graves."
On a roller coaster:
"Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school:
"No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway:
"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
At the old PowWow gas station near Echo Summit:
"Eat food - get gas"
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Joke Mail Facts of the Day:
"91% of Americans lie regularly."
-----Brooke~~BMA2722
"All sharks sink unless they swim."
-----Morgan
"In Iowa it is a crime to watch a one armed piano player ."
-----Lauren aka LoLo <3 (Swimmie11)
"Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on
the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy."
-----Joe Smyth
"The correct response to the Irish greeting,"Top of the morning to you," is
"and the rest of the day to yourself."
-----LunarStela
To submit your own Joke Mail Fact, please go to:
http://www.vertigy.com/jokemail/factsarch.htm
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