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Joke Mail Quotes of the Day:
"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."
"If I could be anything, I would be one of your tears. To be born in your
beautiful eyes, live my life on your cheek, and die on your sweet lips."
"The humble will inherit the earth. Meanwhile the rich make a damn good life!"
"Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining!"
"Everyone's entitled to five minutes of stupidity, but you're exceeding the
-----Lorena and Amy
"Love Your Neighbor...but don't get caught."
"Rehab is for Quiters."
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***Man, these are funny! I hope you never find any at the bookstore!
Children's Books that you will never see:
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild
Animals of North America... Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mr. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
12 Ways to Confuse Your Professor
1. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if
you have a question, and mumble your question incoherently while
brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor
objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.
2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far
away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout
out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your
professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't
because you're scouting the room for "assassins."
3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and
bring a pillow, some blankets, and air mattress, and an alarm clock.
Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the
blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two
minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the
"snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of
4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to
get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big
liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying,
"Stop writing down all these lies!"
5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a
bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take
a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.
6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks,
papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter
how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in
a panic. Don't return for the rest of the class.
7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take
attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through
class, jump out and yell, :Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!"
Sit down and be quiet for the rest of the class.
8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair.
Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please
kill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start
walking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to
help you back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up,
and run home.
9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into
class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.
10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and stsrt
using it. If your professor objects explain that you "can't stand
sitting in this pig sty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.
11. Bring a small catcus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when
you're called on, say that the catcus has a question. Turn and look at
the catcus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few
moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a
day, and become increasingly irritated with the catcus everytime,
sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When
you leave the room after class, start yelling at the catcus, "I can't
believe you embarrassed me AGAIN..."
12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects,
explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.
HOW TO TELL YOU'RE AN E-MAIL JUNKIE !!
1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check
your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and Dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your
child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the
free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading..
10. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
11. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because
they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
14. You tell the cab driver you live at 1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
16. After reading this message, you immediately E-mail it to a friend...
Joke Mail Facts of the Day:
"Race car spelled backwards is race car."
"The electric chair was invented by a dentist."
"A Platypus has no bellybutton."
"Glass is a liquid. It is just REALLY thick."
"The average person farts 13 times a day. YES! girls fart too! (just not in
-----Nick -- Nick121314@aol.com
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