[MOL] Some short ones and a really long one [02420] Medicine On Line


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[MOL] Some short ones and a really long one



>Date: Thu, 29 Oct 1998 09:31:43 +1100
>From: JILL ROBERT <sec@cps.com.au>
>X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.05 [en] (Win95; I)
>To: bobrob@cps.com.au, sgj@cps.com.au, Jim Kissinger <jkissing@uvic.ca>
>Subject: Some short ones and a really long one
>
>A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
>crotch.
>Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
>
>When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says, "How bad is it doc?
>
>I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in
>every way."
>
>The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal
>and
>keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
>
>So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided
>bandage, and wired it all together - an impressive work of art.
>
>The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon
>
>night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous
>set
>of breasts.  This was the first time he saw them.
>
>She says, "You'll be the first. No one has ever touched these breasts."
>
>He whips down his pants and says, " Look at this, it's still in the
>CRATE!"
>
>________________
>> A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
>and
>steals  a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
>running
>unleashed  steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to
>demand  payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
>> The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
>>
>> "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me
>today."
>>
>> The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
>>
>> Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope
>from
>the  lawyer: $20 due for
>> a consultation.
>>
>> * * * * * *
>>
>> There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man
>who
>led  with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the
>entire  world, Catholic or not.
>>
>> As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who
>greeted  him in a firm embrace.
>>
>> "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving
>your  fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in
>heaven.
>You  may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free
>access
>to  all parts of heaven."
>>
>> "You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own
>discretion
>meet  with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior
>appointment."
>>
>> "Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
>>
>> "Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the
>mysteries  which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the
>ages.
>>
>> Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual
>conversations  between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see
>what  was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time."
>>
>> Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and
>explained  how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled
>and  settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.
>>
>> Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library.
>
>Immediately  several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they
>found  the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over
>
>and >
> over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!"
>
>_________________
> Coyote vs ACME
>
>
>      In the United States District Court, Southwestern District,
>Tempe, Arizona
>
>                    Case No. B19294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding
>
>              Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff -v.- Acme Company, Defendant
>
>Opening Statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:
>
>My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous
>states, does hereby bring  suit for damages against the Acme Company,
>manufacturer and retail distributor  of assorted merchandise,
>incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district,
>and territory.  Mr.  Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries,
>loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result
>of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15
>of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a),
>relating to product liability.
>
>Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has
>purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that
>company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him
>bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary
>labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are
>at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such
>injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his
>ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is
>self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.
>
>Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via
>parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to
>use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of
>the Rocket Sled Mr.  Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate
>and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr.
>Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such
>sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a
>length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot
>forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck
>and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled.  Disappearing
>over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail
>along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his
>prey.  At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the
>right. Mr.  Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was
>unable to, due to poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a
>faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked
>progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision
>with the side of a mesa.
>
>Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B),
>prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple
>fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a
>result of this collision.  Repair of the injuries required a full
>bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or
>partial casts on all four legs.
>
>Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to
>support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid
>to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use
>this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably
>similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant
>sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached
>powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with
>little or no provision for passenger safety.  Encumbered by his heavy
>casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after
>strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently
>as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
>
>Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this
>document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of
>Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided
>Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order
>Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered in evidence as
>Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive
>purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner.
>To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal
>effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden
>trough beginning at the top of the a butte and spiraling downward
>around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor.
>The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the
>type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point
>of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of
>birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb
>(Catalogue # 78-832), climbed to the top of the a butte. Mr.  Coyote's
>prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to
>light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem,
>causing the bomb to detonate.
>
>In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to
>nought, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the
>following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
>
>1.  Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.  2.
>Sooty discoloration.  3.  Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing
>the ear to dangle
>    in the aftershock with a creaking noise.  4.  Full or partial
>combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy
>disintegration.  5.  Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid
>charring.
>
>We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of
>these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D.
>Selected fragments have been shipped to metallurgical laboratories at
>the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date
>no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme
>malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity
>itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel
>springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled
>position by a cocking device with a lanyard release.  Mr. Coyote
>believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon this prey in
>the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a
>premium.
>
>To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote
>affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent
>to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to
>frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals
>and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the
>lanyard release.  Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed
>appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped
>near Mr. Coyote, well within the range of the springs at full
>extension. Mr.  Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to
>pull the lanyard release.  At this point, Defendant's product should
>have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for
>reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder
>away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr.
>Coyote hung suspended in air.  Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing
>Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full
>weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower
>extremities.
>
>The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon
>Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed.
>The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to
>bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding
>to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the
>boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came
>into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process
>continued for some time.
>
>The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr.
>Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the
>tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of
>vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a
>vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr.
>Coyote's body tissues - a rare and painful condition which caused Mr.
>Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked,
>and to emit an off-key, accordion-like wheezing with every step. The
>distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major
>impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.
>
>As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of
>manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our
>contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the
>detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching
>powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and
>two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands.  Much as he has come to mistrust
>Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote had no other domestic source of supply
>to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in
>Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant
>company is allowed to victimize the consumer in a most reckless and
>wrongful manner again and again.
>
>Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger
>economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of
>seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks
>actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from
>professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages
>(mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and
>attorney's fees of seventeen million dollars.  Total damages:
>thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By
>awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant,
>its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the
>only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual
>predator to equal protection under the law.
>
>
>
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