[MOL] TO MY FRIENDS IN TEXAS (JOKE) lillian [02370] Medicine On Line

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>Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK:
>"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
>Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one
>else wanted to do it.  Also the original person called in sick at the
>last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
>asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured
>by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy,
>and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
>so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when
>you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all."
>Here are the scorecards from the event:
>Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
>JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
>FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
>from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
>Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
>Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

>JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
>wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front
>of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler
>after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that
>the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like
>Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight
>with her.
>Chili # 3:  Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
>JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
>FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
>!?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been sneezing
>Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I
>could make it to the beer wagon.  Barmaid pounded me on the back; now
>my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends
>call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
>Chili# 4:  Bubba's Black Magic
>JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
>or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
>taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I
>wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her
>snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kinda cute.
>Chili # 5:  Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
>considerable kick. Very impressive.
>JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
>admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
>belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
>contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me
>brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it
>from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges
>asked me to stop screaming.
>Chili # 6:  Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>spice and peppers.
>JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>garlic.  Superb.
>FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
>flames.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I
>asked if she wants to go dancing later.
>Chili # 7:  Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
>peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
>Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
>FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and
>I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world
>sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with
>chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at
>autopsy they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing,
>it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air
>I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files
>people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
>Chili # 8:  Helen's Mount Saint Chili
>JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
>nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
>fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
>JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
>all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>FRANK:   Momma??!!
>Submitted by Sigrid Scheeff.

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