[MOL] Loving and/or toxic company [02522] Medicine On Line


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[MOL] Loving and/or toxic company



In a message dated 97-12-31 12:51:10 EST, firefly@islc.net writes:

<< He also had to learn that when I was having a bad day, I simply was not
going to go out for walks or exert myself, that I needed my energy to focus
mentally.
 I don't believe my experience is any different from the survivor clan on this
net.  All of whom are forthright and yes thought provoking.
 My marriage is better than ever, my friends are dearer than ever, and the
world with each new day is the miracle of life.>> 

I have been trying to find a way of entering this correspondence, of finding
something worthwhile to say about dealing with relatives and relationships. In
fact I was writing a message off-line and nearing completion when I touched
that delete button at the bottom of the page and it all vanished. But I think
with your message, Lillian, and the others, most of what can be said has been
said. Thank you all. Brilliant. We need candor as well as uplift.

However, I go back to nag all of you again about the importance of loving
yourself, of looking within. This is perhaps especially important for people
who don't have the luxury of worrying about what friends or relatives do or
think, because they
don't have any -- that care, anyway. When you have a loving relationship
(though like all loving relationships it can be difficult and terrifying now
and again), it is easy to talk about lifting each other up, as I did in a
recent note. But in the end we have to do the working out within ourselves. We
have a lot of thinking to do. A lot of twinkling too, if I have my way.

So yes, let's be ourselves, say what we want, try not to be irritable (oh
that's easy for you to say!) and keep a grip on our Self. 

And now for some ginger tea. (I am having a lot of dizziness since my last
"consolidation" a few weeks ago. So much so that my friend insists on coming
round to pick me up for the one-block journey to the place where we and a
couple of close friends will see in the New Year on the 46th floor. You can't
see Times Square, quite, but you sure can hear it and see the lights reflected
in all the skyscrapers. And then, at midnight, you can certainly hear the
fireworks in Central Park. And see them reflected in all the skyscrapers.
Crescendo! But I digress...)

Wishing you love, comfort, energy and success. Happy 1998!

As always

-- Ron








---- Begin included message ----
Ken:  We have all gone through all those emotional issues you expressed to
Barbara.  Before I got cancer, I went to pay a water bill.  The lady behind
the counter looked, old, tired, yet truly had a wonderful smile.  I asked "Why
are you smiling today"; she responded , "Well I got up today, I'm alive,
Praise the Lord!".
I walked away and somehow knew this was a special message being sent to me for
some unknown reason.  When I came down with cancer, I knew immediately what
her message was to be to me.  I say her words every day and keep a smile on my
face.
I too had to give up toxic friends.  First, I explained to them that it was
very important to be positive at all times, and could they be like that?  Only
two wanted to oh poor me and they are now not in my life.  Some friends were
too pushy, did you try this, are you sure, what did the doctor say again (like
I had memory lapse)!
I had to speak to these people and told them not to overload my brain computer
or it would shut down on me.   To ask me one question and then allow me time
to digest it and I would get back with them.
My husband was a piller; but had to learn he couldn't wait on me hand and
foot.  He also had to learn that when I was having a bad day, I simply was not
going to go out for walks or exert myself, that I needed my energy to focus
mentally.
I don't believe my experience is any different from the survivor clan on this
net.  All of whom are forthright and yes thought provoking.
My marriage is better than ever, my friends are dearer than ever, and the
world with each new day is the miracle of life.  Keep us informed on how
things are going for you.  Lillian
-----Original Message-----
    From: ken naehring <blessu@worldnet.att.net>
    To: mol-cancer <mol-cancer@lists.meds.com>
    Date: Tuesday, December 30, 1997 11:02 PM
    Subject: [MOL] response to Barbara
    
    
    Barbara, I too am having some issues with my family.  I can't know all of
what yours are, but I can sure empathise as I am sure alot of others can.  I
can tell from reading messages from Marty that he and Barb established what
their marriage needed to be for survival, but I wonder if they had other
family members to deal with....
    
    Mine are first and foremost with my parents and then my husband.  Every
time I talk with my mother we end up in an argument.  She doesn't agree with
the way that I view any of this or what I am trying to do to survive it.  I
always feel like the little girl who is doing something wrong, not the 45 year
old woman who is an adult trying to survive cancer.  My husband is used to me
being the strong one and as soon as I tell him what or how I feel or what I
question, he either asks me a question that makes me feel he didn't listen, or
he gives me the old "I don't want to put pressure onyou...BUT"....
    
    Today I finally found an oncologist that I am going to stay with and one
    of the things that he said to me was that I had to put toxic relationships
    on hold for awhile.  I just haven't figured out how to accomplish this.  I
    am going to start a couple of journals.  #1 is my cancer journey.  #2 is
    going to be for my emotions and thoughts.  #3 is going to be a gratitude
journal.  Maybe the relationships will  be less toxic for me if I have
arelease for it all.  I learned so many things today, just when I thoughtthat
I knew it all!  LOL!
    
    I sobered up today as to what I am dealing with and was not happy at all
that I learned.  I am going to do some research myself and then meet again
with the oncologist.  I must give him credit for much of what he said, one of
the things was that he couldn't cure me and that there are alot of things that
go into surviving and many of those I am in charge of.  So my dear friend, I
don't have the answer as to how to do it yet, but I do know that you cannot
let your family bring you down or distress you.  Maybe somewhere in this
forum, others can tell us what they did to keep their attitude, strength and
family...in that order!
    
    
    I will get the results of the PET scan tomorrow.  The oncologist today
told me that I have sort of done things out of sequence.  He said I should
have had the PET scan done before surgery.  He said I also should have had an
MRI of the brain done and a bone scan.  Also since I now only have one lung, I
should have another CT scan.  So I am scheduled for these in two weeks.  This
oncologist seems to feel that for my type of cancer I should have chemo and
radiation.  The theory behind it makes sense, though I don't want to have it
done.  Anyway he has told me to go into the National Cancer Institute online
and do a Physician Data Query to see what clinical trials are being done as
well.  I believe this is because some of the clinical trials being done would
be using chemo and/or radiation with adeno lung stage II.
    This would indicate that they are funding these trials because they feel
    that there is some benefit to the chemo.  He feels that the benefit
    percentage in my case is about 20% and that is worth doing, but he wants
me to research and be comfortable with any decision.  He feels that it is
worth trying and is an aggresive approach and I want to be aggressive, as I
want to live many more years.
    
    Yes I am working on diet and vitamins, minerals and herbs.  Lets look
    realistically to the fact that the immune system needs the boost.  If our
    immune systems were healthy then we might not have cancer.  I know it is
hard to get up each day and look forward and not wonder if you are or aren't
cured, as I face that each day too.  I believe that we need to remember is
that our greatest enemy is not the disease but despair.  Cancer might rob us
of that blissful ignorance that once led us to believe that tomorrow stretched
forever, but in exchange we are granted the vision to see each day (today), as
a precious gift to be used wisely and richly.
    
    God Bless you and my love and support go out to you.........Carla
    

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<DIV><FONT color=#000000 size=2>Ken:&nbsp; We have all gone through all those 
emotional issues you expressed to Barbara.&nbsp; Before I got cancer, I went
to 
pay a water bill.&nbsp; The lady behind the counter looked, old, tired, yet 
truly had a wonderful smile.&nbsp; I asked &quot;Why are you smiling 
today&quot;; she responded , &quot;Well I got up today, I'm alive, Praise the 
Lord!&quot;.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#000000 size=2></FONT><FONT size=2>I walked away and somehow 
knew this was a special message being sent to me for some unknown
reason.&nbsp; 
When I came down with cancer, I knew immediately what her message was to be to
me.&nbsp; I say her words every day and keep a smile on my face.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2>I too had to give up toxic friends.&nbsp; First, I explained
to them that it was very important to be positive at all times, and could they
be like that?&nbsp; Only two wanted to oh poor me and they are now not in my 
life.&nbsp; Some friends were too pushy, did you try this, are you sure, what 
did the doctor say again (like I had memory lapse)!</FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2>I had to speak to these people and told them not to overload
my brain computer or it would shut down on me.&nbsp;&nbsp; To ask me one 
question and then allow me time to digest it and I would get back with 
them.</FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2>My husband was a piller; but had to learn he couldn't wait
on 
me hand and foot.&nbsp; He also had to learn that when I was having a bad day,
I 
simply was not going to go out for walks or exert myself, that I needed my 
energy to focus mentally.</FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2>I don't believe my experience is any different from the 
survivor clan on this net.&nbsp; All of whom are forthright and yes thought 
provoking.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2>My marriage is better than ever, my friends are dearer than 
ever, and the world with each new day is the miracle of life.&nbsp; Keep us 
informed on how things are going for you.&nbsp; Lillian</FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<BLOCKQUOTE 
style="BORDER-LEFT: #000000 solid 2px; MARGIN-LEFT: 5px; PADDING-LEFT: 5px">
    <DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2><B>-----Original Message-----</B><BR><B>From:
    </B>ken naehring &lt;<A 
    href="mailto:blessu@worldnet.att.net">blessu@worldnet.att.net</A>&gt;<BR><
B>To: 
    </B>mol-cancer &lt;<A 
    href="mailto:mol-cancer@lists.meds.com">mol-
cancer@lists.meds.com</A>&gt;<BR><B>Date: 
    </B>Tuesday, December 30, 1997 11:02 PM<BR><B>Subject: </B>[MOL] response
to 
    Barbara<BR><BR></DIV></FONT>
    <DIV>Barbara, I too am having some issues with my family.&nbsp; I can't
know 
    all of what yours are, but I can sure empathise as I am sure alot of
others 
    can.&nbsp; I can tell from reading messages from Marty that he and Barb 
    established what their marriage needed to be for survival, but I wonder if
    they had other family members to deal with....<BR><BR>Mine are first and 
    foremost with my parents and then my husband.&nbsp; Every time I talk with
    my mother we end up in an argument.&nbsp; She doesn't agree with the way 
    that I view any of this or what I am trying to do to survive it.&nbsp; I 
    always feel like the little girl who is doing something wrong, not the 45 
    year old woman who is an adult trying to survive cancer.&nbsp; My husband
is 
    used to me being the strong one and as soon as I tell him what or how I
feel 
    or what I question, he either asks me a question that makes me feel he 
    didn't listen, or he gives me the old &quot;I don't want to put pressure 
    onyou...BUT&quot;....<BR><BR>Today I finally found an oncologist that I am
    going to stay with and one<BR>of the things that he said to me was that I 
    had to put toxic relationships<BR>on hold for awhile.&nbsp; I just haven't
    figured out how to accomplish this.&nbsp; I<BR>am going to start a couple
of 
    journals.&nbsp; #1 is my cancer journey.&nbsp; #2 is<BR>going to be for my
    emotions and thoughts.&nbsp; #3 is going to be a gratitude journal.&nbsp; 
    Maybe the relationships will&nbsp; be less toxic for me if I have arelease
    for it all.&nbsp; I learned so many things today, just when I thoughtthat
I 
    knew it all!&nbsp; LOL!<BR><BR>I sobered up today as to what I am dealing 
    with and was not happy at all that I learned.&nbsp; I am going to do some 
    research myself and then meet again with the oncologist.&nbsp; I must give
    him credit for much of what he said, one of the things was that he
couldn't 
    cure me and that there are alot of things that go into surviving and many
of 
    those I am in charge of.&nbsp; So my dear friend, I don't have the answer
as 
    to how to do it yet, but I do know that you cannot let your family bring
you 
    down or distress you.&nbsp; Maybe somewhere in this forum, others can tell
    us what they did to keep their attitude, strength and family...in that 
    order!<BR><BR><BR>I will get the results of the PET scan tomorrow.&nbsp;
The 
    oncologist today told me that I have sort of done things out of 
    sequence.&nbsp; He said I should have had the PET scan done before 
    surgery.&nbsp; He said I also should have had an MRI of the brain done and
a 
    bone scan.&nbsp; Also since I now only have one lung, I should have
another 
    CT scan.&nbsp; So I am scheduled for these in two weeks.&nbsp; This 
    oncologist seems to feel that for my type of cancer I should have chemo
and 
    radiation.&nbsp; The theory behind it makes sense, though I don't want to 
    have it done.&nbsp; Anyway he has told me to go into the National Cancer 
    Institute online and do a Physician Data Query to see what clinical trials
    are being done as well.&nbsp; I believe this is because some of the
clinical 
    trials being done would be using chemo and/or radiation with adeno lung 
    stage II.<BR>This would indicate that they are funding these trials
because 
    they feel<BR>that there is some benefit to the chemo.&nbsp; He feels that 
    the benefit<BR>percentage in my case is about 20% and that is worth doing,
    but he wants me to research and be comfortable with any decision.&nbsp; He
    feels that it is worth trying and is an aggresive approach and I want to
be 
    aggressive, as I want to live many more years.<BR><BR>Yes I am working on 
    diet and vitamins, minerals and herbs.&nbsp; Lets look<BR>realistically to
    the fact that the immune system needs the boost.&nbsp; If our<BR>immune 
    systems were healthy then we might not have cancer.&nbsp; I know it is
hard 
    to get up each day and look forward and not wonder if you are or aren't 
    cured, as I face that each day too.&nbsp; I believe that we need to
remember 
    is that our greatest enemy is not the disease but despair.&nbsp; Cancer 
    might rob us of that blissful ignorance that once led us to believe that 
    tomorrow stretched forever, but in exchange we are granted the vision to
see 
    each day (today), as a precious gift to be used wisely and 
    richly.<BR><BR>God Bless you and my love and support go out to 
    you.........Carla<BR></DIV></BLOCKQUOTE></BODY></HTML>

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