Thanks, Jo.
The messages from M.Woods show the terrible trials that cancer brings to our
relatives and friends. People who have lived with cancer longer than yours
truly may have advice to give. To me, it is a new environment, so I feel
poorly qualified to provide uplift to those sharing the pain and depression
of their loved ones. Of course literature and magazines are awash with
advice on how to lift oneself up when confronted with all kinds of problems.
We all have to find our own ways to deal with our own situations. But it is
instructive to know that others are facing the same doubts and dilemmas,
reassuring to know that even strangers are thinking of us, rooting for us,
willing to share with us their stories, which at least put our own problems
into perspective.
In my own case, as an unmarried person with a gloriously helpful friend, I
have very little to complain about -- except the cancer itself! I just have
to deal with it, which is a damn nuisance, cleaning those broviac tubes daily
and all. (By the way, for those who don't know, a broviac is a device that is
fitted into your chest so that most chemical treatments and blood tests don't
require hypodermic intrusions into your veins.) Then there are the hospital
stays for "consolidation", which I've mentioned before, the first of which
begins tomorrow at 1 p.m., when I'll be admitted to one of New York's biggest
hospitals, where the nurses mean well but there aren't enough of them. On my
last stay (the big initial stay -- five weeks), on one occasion I had to wait
45 minutes for a painkiller! Now there's a subject we should perhaps deal
with in this group -- the understaffing of even the finest hospitals now that
all medical procedures are profit-driven. Or would such a discussion be too
political?
Through all this the friend I mentioned has been a rock and a compass. What
does he, healthy fellow, know of cancer? But throughout he has been by my
side, learning along with me. He has been present at my most personal
examinations (the presence of a friend or family member at such moments is, I
believe, a great gift they can give). He has shown the love of a true friend
-- unconditional.
So I have little to complain of. And yet, one reads, those newly diagnosed
with cancer will feel rage. I had felt resentment, but not rage, until a
couple of days ago. It soon passed. When I told my doctor about it on
Tuesday, he said "Good." I shall probably feel it again, but it will pass
again too. A week or so ago, when the first cool weather of autumn hit New
York (I always thank God for the first cool weather, loving winter as I do),
I was walking alone (if one can ever be alone in Manhattan!) when I felt
something very near rapture, a great "Yes!". It had something to do with the
flower-laden streetmarket, something to do with my dear friend, then on
business on the other side of the country. Perhaps it had most to do with the
thought that, whatever happens, there can be happiness even with cancer.
Those were selfish thoughts, but I share them anyway. What I had meant to
write about was the stress and actual pain felt by the friends and relatives
that visit us in hospital, that worry for our future, that sit with us in
doctors' offices awaiting the results of blood tests. They worry and suffer
more than we know. They may not show their suffering, and they may be the
brunt of our understandable occasional irritability, but they stand by us.
And we should let them know how we treasure them.
Tomorrow I journey to the East Side and open up my body to a liquid that will
continue the process begun during my initial hospital stay. My doctor tells
me my blood is now normal except for the white-cell count, which is, however,
rising. I am not vulnerable (he says) to other people's colds etc. When my
five-day stint is over, the blood count will be temporarily reduced, the side
effect of the action in my bone marrow. That is why self-injection is needed:
to bring the blood count back up.
So this may be my last message until I return -- next Wednesday, the doctor
says. So all the best to you all. Courage to all of you who are struggling
with the invader. And thanks, and courage too, to all you helpers who are
proving your love and friendship.
See you!
-- Ron
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