Dear Diana, and all you other thoughtful, caring people.
I have been coming to these pages every day, and wanting to say something
uplifting, but it is hard to try to lift people up when you have so little
strength yourself. Sorry. Truth to tell this has been a very tough time for
me, following consolidation, despite all the love and attention I have
received. But next week is supposed to be different because I have for 10
days been injecting myself with neupogen, which is should have a good effect
on my low white-cell count: Wednesday it was 400, Thursday 500, Friday 700.
Monday? Please God! Today I took the last of those shots until after my next
period of consolidation. The doctor says he wouldn't be surprised to see the
count rise dramatically, to more than 2000 this week. And then, a week next
Friday, I am due back in hospital for more consolidation, followed by more of
the same..
Though I believe throughout I have adopted a really positive attitude, I have
to say--between you, me and the world at large-- I'm wondering about the
wisdom of constantly building up your bloodcount only to smash it to
smithereens in the hope that the good guys will grow after you have killed
the bad guys. But what can you do? You have to have faith in the method you
have chosen (still accompanied by Chinese herbs, though now in pill form).
And you have to have faith in the people who have chosen such a difficult
profession, working to pull us through our difficulties.
Though I wasn't in hospital, this week as an outpatient I had four blood
transfusions: one bag of platelets on Monday, another on Wednesday and two
bags of red cells and one bag of platelets on Friday. I would lie if I said
Friday evening was any kind of an evening at all. Thank God my friend had to
attend to business. I'm glad he didn't gave to share such misery. On Saturday
I woke feeling much better. But I am going to discuss these heavy
transfusions with the doctor. I think they are are more than I can take.
Sorry. Not an inspiring message. This cancer thing is up and down, as you
say, and between now the end of all the consoldations I can expect some peaks
and troughs. ((If I decide to go through with them -- I am hoping to speak
to a different kind of doctor very very soon. And meantime I want a very deep
heart-to-heart with my hematologist when he returns from vacation next week.
There must be other paths, though perhaps they have not been discovered yet.)
Meantime I think I am in the best of hands and being treated with the best of
intentions and probably the best medicine available today.
I still am sure of success and return to normal. But some journeys are easy,
and some are not. This one, so far, has had its really bumpy stretches, and
long long stretches of exhaustion. I treasure the help I have received from
my friend and others, and feel real kinship with those on this list, some of
whom have written me messages that have gone ununanswered. Forgive me. I look
forward to the day I can spend more time here at my IBM.
Hope this note hasn't brought you down.
It is, I believe, at least painfully honest.
In a while a friend is coming round and we are taking a short talk around
Lincoln Center. The weather is cool and gray and you definitely need a coat.
But oh, that fresh air is good -- and yes, the air is excellent around here,
I suppose because of the river stretching all around and Central Park and
all.
Courage and fortitude are words that occur to me right now. May we all have
them in abundance and see beyond the kind of dark nights I have (perhaps
thoughtlessly) spoken about here.
Love
-- Ron
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